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Wednesday, September 26, 2012

Relax...


Glad my temporary cap fell off on the tooth closest to the front.   I look like I've been smoke'n crack for years.  I'm tempted to take a picture of this and post it but that would just start the rumors fly'n.  Lord knows I don’t need any more of that!

So I need to add something to my list of things that I
can’t stand.  I know this makes me sound negative
 and I was going to try my best this year to remain positive, but well…whatever.  So yesterday I’m leaving Wal-Mart (with my front tooth half way gone I felt right at home) and decide Chick fil-A sounded good for dinner plus it was right next door, I'm lazy.  (On a side note I find myself eating in my car a lot lately.  I think it’s easier to do that as opposed to going home and sitting at my table alone.  Just say’n.) So I’m in the drive-through and I’m looking around at the cars around me and there’s this guy sitting in his car eating an ice-cream cone. Ok. First of all, I don’t have anything against ice-cream.  I don’t even have anything against the ice-cream being in a cone. (Just FYI, if you ask the folks at DQ to add a pump of chocolate at the bottom of your cone before they fill it with the ice-cream…they will!! Again, just say’n.) BUT, when you do this continuous lick that you stretch your tongue out for, long before the cone even gets in the vicinity of your mouth, dude…it’s just gross!  Relax…show some restraint.  Your tongue is not in a race with your face to see who can get to the ice-cream the fastest.  It’s all gonna work itself out and come together at the right time.  I mean really.  You don’t know how ridiculous you looked.  I will say after watching this display I will think twice before licking on a cone in public again or atleast practice in the mirror first.  

Sunday, September 16, 2012

Making plans...

Together again!!  I've had my soul sista here for the last 4 days. We are setting new goals and making plans!

Being divorced and starting my life AGAIN requires some serious thought and motivation.

We are spending the next few days writing down all the things we want to let go of. Past mistakes, regrets, bad eating habits, failures, low self esteem...and on and on............... Once we have our lists compiled, we are going to burn them,  throw the ashes in the ocean and watch them float away and out of our lives forever. See how easy that is!!


Monday, August 6, 2012

Such A Pretty... What Now?

I just got a comment on my previous post from a while back, Titled, SUCH A PRETTY FAT.  It was in regards to a book titled the same.  How many of us fat/former fatties have heard "you've got such a pretty face," "you'd be so pretty if you lost weight?"  I know I did.  If I only had a nickel...  The comment got me thinking it was time for an update, so thanks for leaving it, it couldn't have come at a better time! ;)  Once again, life pushes you through things, and throws you curve balls, and you just get caught in the whirlwind going, "What do I do?"

Here I am, another, 2 or 3 years later from that post, and a whole 11 years after losing my weight and let me say- I have gone from 305 at my heaviest, to 155 and maintained for 5 years until I discovered I had a degenerative back disorder and after trying to avoid surgery for 2 years, my body refused to cooperate, and I had to have spinal fusion.  It set me back into a deep depression due to meds and sadness of being able to do nothing.  I gained 30 pounds.  I figured I'd stay there. I'd lost the battle, but oh well, at least it was under 200, right?  But I pulled myself out of that after 2 years and went back to work and enjoying my life.  I had a spring back in my step at work, cuz I love my job so much!  It was nice to get hit on again, even at that weight, but it got me motivated to go back to eating healthier- that, and the crappy economy!  Thank you for celery and Laughing Cow cheese!  It became my go to snack on the airplane all day.  And string cheese!  Was cost effective and left me satiated.  I covered my protein with eggs and bean and cheese tortillas on whole wheat tortillas, heating them up wrapped in foil on the hot plate of the coffee pot in the back galley. Red bell peppers and almonds.  I packed my lunch for my 3 day trips and stuck to it!  I had to, I had no money!  I just spent 2 years out of work!  So it was forced, but thank god!

I met the man of my dreams who treated me like a princess, worshipped the ground I walked on, and loved me with all he could.  I lived in heaven for a good solid 8 months, as I continued to take of the pounds I had put on while off work.  I was flyin high!  And then my world crashed to a screeching halt when my father had an anneurism.  We lived in the hospital praying for a miracle that removing the clot in a risky surgery would help keep the swelling of his brain from growing so much that he would actually choke on it.  They removed half his skull, brought his body to a cold temperature of somewhere in the 60's to continue to keep down the swelling, and we all gathered in the waiting room of Stanford hospital everyday waiting for the 2 hours we were allowed to go in, and then just bunkered down there in case there was a change or news.  It will be 2 years on August 07th, that my mother had to make the gut wrenching decision to take him off life support because he had no signs of improvement, and still had another clot growing in his brain.  My father had never wanted to do any of this anyway, so really, my mother had given him far more of a chance than my father had ever expressed wishes for.  He hoped he would go in his sleep at home, & his wishes were that if he did, to please not take him to the hospital to try to do anything for him.  He knew he was living with the chance of an anneurism happening since he was 30.  Needless to say, it has been the worst, most painful experience of my entire life.  Everyday I wake up, there's still that instant in the morning where I relive the whole thing as if it's the 1st day I am waking up knowing he won't be there.  Anyone who has lost a parent or a child knows what I am saying.

Well, that just changed my world.  I wanted to spend all my time with my mother & sister.  And the man of my dreams slowly grew further away from me, till we broke off our ill-fated engagement & never spoke again.  I withered away to 143 pounds.  A weight I thought I would have been happy to be at, was now only sad to me because of how I acheived it.  People wanted to know how I did it, and my answer was that my father had died.  What a downer I was, right?  A W K W A R D .  I missed my curves.  I believe in & love being voluptuous!  And that doesn't sound very thin to you all probably, but here's a side note- when you are heavy all your life, your bones become very dense to help support that weight, so they end up weighing more.  So although I way 143, I look about 116-124, depending on who I ask.  I can where a 4, and in some things, a 2.  I can wear size 25-27 jeans and them not be tight!  I finally gave away a pair of 29's 2 years ago that an ex bf had bought me cuz I said I will absolutely NEVER be that skinny!  Whodathunk? 

This past February my dream guy & I got back in touch & started seeing each other again.  Realizing it was just a horrible time to try to hold onto a relationship when it was all I could do keep myself together & what was left of my small little family, we thought we could finally be back to that dream love we had found in one another before.  Well, it's August now, & once again, we just broke off our engagement and I weigh 137.  I'm a sack of skin covering bones.  A weight I had always dreamed would make me "happy" is now marking one of the downest periods of my life.  It's the 2nd anniversary of my father's death, I've just been told my pet has only weeks to live, and my fiance just moved out.  I've got to search deeeeeeeeeeep for some strength to pull myself out of this. 

But my point, after all that back story, :D  is that once again, if you aren't happy with who you are, those issues will be there no matter what size you are.  I have been wealthy, poor; red haired, blonde, back to red (thank god!); the good girl, the bad girl; married, divorced, dating, relationships, engaged, single & fancy free; living my dream of singing on stages, to singing in my living room, to singing in the car, to crying to the music, to not even turning it on so I don't have to be reminded of what I'm feeling; and obese, to thin, to heavy, to now my thinnest ever, & I still haven't found what I'm looking for.  No matter what, your issues with yourself are still there.  Until you learn to accept who you are and own it, or take control over it & fix it, you are going to be chasing the "beginnning" of your life forever!  And before you know it, time will have passed you by and you'll be going, What do I have to show for it?  Did I enjoy it?  Did I ever try for my dreams?  Did I love me?  Did I stop and appreciate the ones I do have in my life that love me?  Well have you?  Do you?   You better do it, & do it now!  I have learned a lot.  Or so I think. :)  But I have a long way to go!  I will not give up!  I still want to be healthy- physically & mentally.  Don't we all?! ;)  It's work.  At least for me.  And in a lot of ways, I think if you've been heavy, there's a reason for it, so it's probably gonna be work for you too. 

My soapbox is starting too show strain...  till next time, keep striving to fly your freak flag & love it everytime it shows! ;)

Thursday, June 28, 2012

LJS Fish Sandwich...

It was brought to my attention that I should write about my experiences with Long John Silvers fish sandwich ...which I had for dinner tonight. In my professional opinion I think it is, most the time, better than a hamburger. (Professional = single, poor, can't cook, frequent fast food eater) Now before you go getting your undies all tangled up in a wad of frustration because I am touting the greatness of fried food let me explain.  Who doesn't love deep fried food?  Well ok, some people are healthy.  But besides them, who doesn't love something deep fried.  Exactly!! But who likes that film of thick greasy residue left on the roof of your mouth afterwards?  That's right kids, no one. This is why the fish sandwich is such a win/win!  The bread soaks up the grease thereby putting a barrier between that greasy film and the roof of your mouth.  Now, I would suggest drowning the fish in malt vinegar.  Two packets usually do the trick. But the great thing about LJS is that the fish fillet (if it is in fact an actual piece of fish) taste nothing like fish.  Isn't that great!!??!!

Now, here are a few things to keep in mind.

  • If you eat your fast food like I do, shamefully alone in your car, then you should be careful with the malt vinegar.  If you have even just a little left in the packet and you lay it down or it falls over, that liquid is going to go everywhere.  
  • Also keep in mind that once the vinegar touches your fingers, it takes about a week for the smell to go away. Is it worth it? In most cases, yes it is. 
  • Fish stinks.  Don't eat it in your car, at the movies, on a date or at work. I will admit in a previous life I did sneak a LJS sandwich or two into the movies. But like I said, that was a previous life and not anything I would do now! 
  • Just like anything battered and deep fried in grease, it should not be eaten late at night.  For me, late is anything after 6pm.  Tonight I ate it at 9pm.  It is now sitting like a box of marbles in my stomach.  Not good.  Just looking at this picture from earlier makes me sick. 
So there you have it. Was it a healthy food choice. Ummmmm. No. Am I happy I ate it...sort of.  Was it good at the time?  Omg yes!  I can already here you now saying, "But Lisa, I thought this blog was about changing your life and eating healthy.  Well it is...

Better luck next time.

Tuesday, June 26, 2012

40 is coming...

It's been so long since I wrote here. So much has happened in my life the last few years.  Too much to go into.  Good lord, we'd be here all night. So out of respect for your time, here are a few (out of a million) highlights: 

  1. I'm approaching 40!!!!
  2. I will be divorced in about 60 days
  3. I'm still fat. 
So...where do I go from here?  I have no idea.  I find the motivation to get out of bed is at a minimum, much less the motivation to work out, eat right and live healthy.  So how do I climb out of this dark, gloomy unhealthy lifestyle and mindset?  I have no idea. 


I thought if I started taking pictures of what I was eating it would make me realize how out of control I was.  So over the last couple weeks I took a couple pictures.  No, I didn't eat 2 dozen donuts by myself.  And no I didn't eat that entire mound of Little Debbie cakes all sad and pathetic like alone in my apartment. But I did eat a lot more of all that crap than I should have. 
 
So as I sit her watching Extreme Makeover Weight Loss Edition and crying over all the similarities I see in myself and the person on the show I'm wondering if I have what it takes to make a change.  I'll admit my divorce and the events of the last couple years have taken a lot of life out of me. I find myself struggling for inspiration.  But I do want to make a change.  I want to go into my 40's feeling healthy not overweight...tired and out of control.  I don't want to drown in this negativity anymore.   Can I do it?  WILL I do it?


I know in order to achieve success, I will need to change the way I think.  I've bought a book by Gretchen Rubin called, "The Happiness Project".  In it, she takes 12 months testing out different theories on how to be happier.  So here I go bravely starting my own project!  Not only do I want to be healthy physically, but I want to be healthy mentally and I think as I embark on yet another phase of my life, I would like to finally become happy.  Happy with myself...happy with my life...and happy with the choices I will make moving forward.  I no longer want to live with regrets.  I want to love those around me and that includes loving myself as well.  


Ugh.  I've said this before but it bears repeating.  Growing sucks... 

Thursday, October 2, 2008

Baby Steps...again and again...

It's been a few months since I was able to sit down and write. Not just because I've been busy (YES, I have been!) but because I didn't want to write about my failures of eating healthy.


I don't know how to make my mind click like O is telling me. I don't know how to say, "Lisa, that Whataburger is NOT good for you, eating it will NOT make you feel better!" Instead I say, "Lisa don't you want a Whataburger right about now...why, yes...yes I do" and there goes my car into the drive thru!

So I've been thinking this week about portion control. I know I have a problem with this. When I go to a Mexican restaurant and they have the bottomless chips and salsa, I will sit there and eat it before the meal, during the meal AND after. Even after I can't stuff another bite into my mouth I will go for those last few chips in the basket. WHY????? Why do I do that? Why do I ask the people at the next table if they are going to eat what's left of their chips...ha, just kidding I would NEVER! But seriously I'm just as gross. So I'm thinking I need to start watching how much I eat.

Like for instance, Ryan and I went to Flaming Wok the other night. I ordered the child's plate because I didn't want to eat all the food they normally pile onto their dinner. BUT, it was still a big portion and about half way through I started feeling full. Did I stop? NO I didn't! I just kept on eating until I was about to pop! It was just SO stink'n tasty! But I got to thinking after I left there (thank goodness Ryan was driving so I could lay my seat back a little. People, I was stuffed!) that I could have asked for a to go box and when I got home or the next day I could have ate a little more if I wanted to. Why did I feel like I had to totally eat all of it right then?

One of my bosses at work turned me on to the best sandwich I've ever had (with the exception of the BLT at Hot Rods in Sacramento). It was a turkey sandwich on wheat with lettuce, tomato and mayo. The kicker was the cranberry sauce they put on one layer of the bread! Oh my, for the love of Benji! It is TASTY! SO...the very next day after having one of these, I went back down to the deli in our building and ordered another one. It was the regular size which is huge so it comes cut in half. I told myself I was going to eat half for lunch and then save the rest for dinner. Well after I got one half down, I went right for the other half! WHY? Yes, it was good but it would have been just as good for dinner and I wouldn't have stuffed myself like a Build-A-Bear!!
Anyways...I could go on for days with examples but I will spare you the gory details! My plan is to start watching what I eat as far as portion control. You'll be happy to know that yesterday when I had that sandwich AGAIN I only ordered a half so I wouldn't be tempted! Today I had a can of soup for lunch and instead of eating a donut I had a brain muffin! Also, instead of munching on chocolate from a co-workers candy dish, I ate a few mini sized cheese flavored rice cakes.


Baby steps...

Saturday, June 7, 2008

Just Me...Complaining About My Weight Again...

So the saddest thing I've ever seen happened at lunch the other day. Me and my co-workers, Laura and Vinnie, where at a little Italian place called Antonio's. I was stuffing my face with bread (melt in your mouth) and oil while waiting for my entree when this group of ladies walked in. There was about 8 or 9 of them and they sat at the table right across from us. The last lady to walk in had to be the biggest person I'd ever seen in real life. I felt so bad for her. It must be hard just getting around for her. It must be a challenge just getting up every day to face the world. Anyways...as they all took their seats, she was the last to sit down. The second she fully rested her weight in her chair it just crumbled out from under her. She not only fell but fell on her stomach...flat out on the floor. No one from her table got up to help her but two men from the closest table to them immediately jumped up to help. The whole place went silent. It would have been bad enough if it would have been a person of normal size but she was so heavy. I wanted to cry for her. I wanted to go throw my arms around her and tell her I was so sorry that had happened to her. It took her what seemed like forever to get up. She couldn't bend her legs so it was very hard to maneuver up. If it would have been me I would have walked right out and not even ate there. But she graciously got in her new chair and thanked the men who had helped her with a smile on her face. Gosh I really felt so bad for her. After that happened it was harder for me to eat my lunch. (Notice I said harder...not impossible) I told myself then and there that I was going to get more serious about my weight and health. But as I sit here now trying to pick the popcorn kernel out of my teeth from the movie this afternoon I'm wondering why I can't commit to loosing weight. Fatty Patty tells me it's because it hasn't clicked. I guess it hasn't because I'm still eating bad. I'm sure I've gained back the 5 pounds I'd lost and maybe even a couple more.

So I've been thinking that what I need is a change. Some new scenery...new people to interact with on a daily basis and what do ya know...I get a department change at work which places me temporarily at our corporate office downtown. Where I'm at now it really doesn't matter what you wear. Jeans and a T-shirt is fine or whatever you feel like wearing. Downtown is very differnt though with everyone wearing their corporate best. So I've been going through my closet today trying on all my dress clothes that I USE to be able to wear. I can't believe what all I've grown out of. Some beautiful clothes that I can't even get buttoned! I had to go out and buy new clothes just to have enough stuff to wear this next week. Ugh...I can't describe the feelings of self loathing I have right now. I almost hate myself for the careless way I've behaved with my eating. But when I think about cutting out all the bad foods I love I get depressed. What will make me happy now? Oh curse those Zingers and Ding Dongs! Curse Flaming Wok, Gringo's and a million curses to Whataburger!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I hope you all go out of business! (Well maybe not Whataburger) Why can't I just stick to this? WHY CAN'T I DO THIS???????????????
By the way...this is how I feel trying to fit into all my clothes that are too small. Cry on girl...I feel ya!