Wednesday, May 28, 2008

Such A Pretty Fat

I've been thinking a lot about you, and us, and now, and the past, get my drift. I guess because you were gone, and I have nothing to really do, and you know I'm starting to get to the depressed part of being home and not being able to do a lot of anything while recovering. And I'm reading this book I told you about, SUCH A PRETTY FAT, and the character reminds me SO MUCH of you. She's stinkin hilarious!

I keep thinking how we've talked about how much time we've wasted worrying about how we look and what it has stopped us from doing because of our lame insecurities. In this book she says that it doesn't matter what you do, if you don't like your insides, nothing will ever matter about your outsides. And I can firmly attest to that. I thought all my problems would be solved after I lost my 150 lbs, but no, here I still am... worried about it not being enough,if everyone likes me, do you all approve of this decision and that decision, and why am I still single, and when am I gonna get my singing together, and do I sound good when I do sing, etc... the list goes on and on.

And I think that's a lot like you. You've got internal conflicts and they are what keep you from losing the weight, because food is your source of comfort for all things. And I get that. I've just learned somewhat of how to deal with it a little better outside of food. And it helps that I have my sister who lives so close, because she keeps me in check for the simple fact that I wanna be thin with her, I don't wanna go back to being the fat sister. Yes, I'm still fatter than her, but I'm not fat. Not like I was. That's I wish we lived closer again, so we could really encourage each other, and do this together, because the blog is good, but it just isn't the same as being side by side, cooking, and being able to go walking, and exercising, and being there for each other in person. And I've seen the difference...and now I CAN'T blame my problems on the fact that I'm unhappy because I'm overweight, now I have to face the other things inside of me that make me sad and angry, and feel disappointed, and deal with those feelings, and not just be able to say, "it's cause I'm overweight." I have to admit that there are other things that I am unhappy about, and I have to find a way to fix them. Which is what I say about getting divorced...some people love to say I got thin, so I wanted to see what it would be like to be single and have fun, so I made him leave. But no, I got thin, and realized with that problem solved, I'm still not happy, it didn't make my marriage better. It made me realize it was still bad, so now I have to fix that, and it was not fixable and things were unforgivable.

Sometimes being heavy lets us hide from dealing with our other fears and problems. And we don't wanna deal with those things, so we keep the weight so we can keep saying that's why were ultimately unhappy..."if I could just lose the weight, I'd be happy, and feel good about myself." And that sort of has to deal with the click in your head thing I was saying earlier. But the click doesn't happen just once, if you're lucky. You continue to work on yourself, and you continue to learn and grow, and things keep clicking. Sometimes it's weird where the clicks come from. I just had one from reading this book. It clicked that she's right. All those years I blamed all my unhappiness on being fat, and when it was gone, I was so happy. But it was short lived. And here I am six years later, still working and dealing with my insides and trying to find what makes me happy.

And while you were gone at your mom's, and some of things I've heard you say, and your last blog, I realize that that may be what's holding you back from losing the weight. It's like you said, even when you lost it before, you weren't happy. And I remember that. Because there were other things that you needed to fix, and you couldn't blame being unhappy on the weight anymore, and that's a big shocker. Ok, I'm totally rambling now, but I guess I was just thinking a lot about you because I miss you so much, and I read your blog, and I feel I know you well enough to read a little between the lines, and hear the things your saying when I talk to you, even when you don't actually say it. You know? Maybe I'm all wrong. Just this book kinda opened my eyes to some things, and I wanted to express them to you. Love you.

Tuesday, May 27, 2008

Back Home...

Well I am back home and starting today back to the reality of healthy eating! When I'm with my mom we eat a ton of sweets. That side of my family are all sweet freaks! My grandpa was in the hospital and had Honey Buns hidden in his bedside table! So...we had lots of good sweets while I was there. My glucophage was working double time! haha So on the way home, while sandwiched in a little plane I wrote a little...

"I'm on the plane that is taking me away from my mama and back to Houston. Sitting in this tiny seat has made me even more determined to drop all the excess weight. I fee so fat. I always bloat up like a blowfish when I fly. Plus there's a little tiny lady sitting next to me. I swear I'm dwarfing her. Not sure why but she just turned her air vent on full blast, pointed it towards me and covered up with a blanket that is blowing in the hurricane she's created in here and hitting me in the leg. I'm annoyed to say the least. She was reading a book called The Meringue Pie Murder which has made me crave pie with mile high whipped cream on top. I was so sad this morning to be leaving my mama that I had a bowl of butter pecan ice cream for breakfast. I'm not sure why...just because I thought it would make me feel better. It didn't. Matter-a-fact, it has totally upset my stomach. The only other thing I've had today is a Fiber One bar. When changing planes in Atlanta I passed by a Popeye's Chicken which of course has made me yearn for chicken fried chicken with mashed potatoes. I may have to get some when I get home. (if this lady next to me doesn't be still...I swear!) Monday is Memorial Day and I'm sure my in laws will have lots of good food at their little get together! Since I've not eaten all that great over the last week, I really should get back into the mindset of weight loss. When I'm with my mom we always hit up all the great places we like to eat. Just like me and FP when we are together. In Houston it's Whataburger, Caraba's and Shipleys. When I'm in CA it's Nishiki and Zelda's! (This lady keeps her books she's reading bound by rubber bands. She's moved onto a different book now. I'm annoyed by her. I want to pop her with that rubber band.) So I need to get home and get back to a healthy routine. Did I say "get back to"? I mean start a healthy routine! My mom owns a care home for mentally challenged adults and one of her residents has lost 47 pounds over the last year. My mom has been fixing her low sugar/low carb foods... Exactly what my fertility doctor said I needed to do. My mom had all kinds of books on the subject that I meant to bring back with me but I couldn't because it was either pack the 10 pounds of books or the 10 pounds of Koegel hotdogs that you can't buy in the south. Hello!!! Hotdogs, duh! (There's a baby screaming...a guy drooling on himself in front of me, and the lady next to me has turned towards me totally as if she and I are in this great conversation but we're NOT...she's reading! Get OUT of my space lady!!!!!!!!!)"

So anyways...that was my little writings on the plane. When I go back and read it now I realize how much I need to change the way I think of food! I look at my cousin Becky who is not even 28 yet and has already gotten her doctorate and just ran a 15 mile marathon. She has so much self discipline. I admire her a great deal! I just wish I could get control of my eating. If I could borrow some of her discipline for a little while that would be great!

So today is the first day of the rest of my life (how many times have I said that?) and I'm having oatmeal for breakfast. Not sure about lunch yet but I vow to myself it will be healthy! Fatty Patty, you are going to look so gorgeous in your pictures in 8 days! I will think of that...get jealous...and maybe that will help me eat right :-)

OK...must go to work. Until next time...

Sunday, May 25, 2008

Goal Time

My word for the year is acceptance, so I'm accepting a lot of things that I need to do, and a lot of things I can't change. I'm really feeling like this is my year, and it's time to step up all my efforts, and goals. That's why I chose to have my back surgery, and I'm really trying to get to where I'm eating better, and not escaping from my feelings thru food. Not letting other people's remarks or decisions affect mine.

That being said, I'm trying to use this time off from my real job to focus on healing, so I can go back to work, but also to do what I can with my music career while I have the most free time. So I'm trying to update everything with that, so that when I make my "comeback," it's strong, and people are glad I'm back, not thinking I lost it while out of the spotlight.

First thing up is new photos. All my professional photos are two years old, so I have a new photo shoot on June 4th. He's a well-known photographer, and his make-up artist/ hairstylist is, I've got nine days to be strict with myself so I can look as good as possible for this shoot. These photos are going to be made into posters for one of my upcoming gigs, and you know the bigger the picture, the bigger the flaw looks. So keep me inspired, Mrs. BC. I need you to keep me focused and remind me not to give in to temptations for just 9 days. I can do this! Right?

Not sure if you'll read these while you're gone, or in the morning before I talk to you, but that's part of what's been happening while you've been gone. So help me do it!

In the meantime, SOOO glad you're home. It still isn't close enough to me, but I've got more access to you now. Love you!

Wednesday, May 21, 2008

Feeling Proud

Last night and today we're a test to my willpower, and I am really proud of myself for sticking to my guns, because it's the first time in a long time I have been in this situation with this person, and have been able to do it.Thumbs Up

You ever have one of those friends, or one of those places that you automatically go into "vacation" mode...all bets off, time to loosen the restraints and just indulge? Well, when this friend comes to my house, he always ends up wanting to eat something bad, and though I say no, I wanna eat good, we always end up with junk food and bad choices. Eating PizzaAnd I always tell myself, oh well, just this one time. But one time matters to my morale, and it can set me off for days, and I didn't want to get off track.

So last night on his way here, he called to ask if I wanted In-N-Out on his way over. I said no, then called back and said yes, knowing I'd smell it and just want to be eating. But I wasn't hungry, if he wasn't here I would have been going to bed in about an hour or so and not have been eating. So I thought about that and called back again and told him no, I wanted nothing and I told him those above reasons when he asked why.

So he gets here, and I think, cool, because I know myself, and I won't ask for bites of food on something like that, so I figured I was safe from temptation. I'm not really a huge In-N-Out fan anyway. But NOOOO, instead he comes with a large paper bag from the AM/PM full of crap! So I prayed he had nothing I would like. But he did try to be thoughtful, and bought me Hostess orange cupcakes, cuz he knows I like them, but I had already had a pastry earlier from my favorite bakery, so my craving for something like that had been satisfied, and I was able to say no. He already reeked of Fritos that he began eating in his car, Chipsso I was turned off from those, cuz I have a very sensitive smeller, and once I'm ruined on something, I'm ruined. But then he had Snickers, Reese's, chocolate Hostess cupcakes, and Cheetos, and Cheez-Its. Well, candy bars haven't sounded good in a while, and I'm not a Cheetos fan too much - was when I was younger...I liked them smashed on my salami sandwich that was on a sourdough roll with tons of mustard...but since then I can take 'em or leave 'em. But a weakness for me is Cheez-It's. And he helped me by telling me they were gross and bad and stale. LOL But now I had to have some, just to see! So I did. I had about 7. They weren't anything worth giving into, so I was good. The horrible chili corn Frito smell was killing me, so I over sprayed the room with air freshener, turned on a fan, and told him to get ready for beddie-by.

But one of the problems when he's here is that he always wants to eat. He constantly is thinking of things we should go get, or make, or eat, and it's always bad! And it's always tempting. And I have this guilt that he drove all the way here (a 45 minute drive) that I should try and be a pleaser, so I feel I should do something he wants because I don't go there because of my back injury. CrutchesI avoid driving long periods because of pain and meds. So I wasn't in the clear yet, because since he spent the night, and had the afternoon to kill, I'd have to hold fast, and be strong come morning!

Well, we were watching Wings on TVLand at 7:30am, one of my fave shows from the '90's, and Joe ordered a BLT from Helen at the lunch counter. Immediately visions of greasy bacon danced in my head, and I could smell the fresh cut tomatoes, and torn lettuce leaves, envisioning myself applying the mayo to my perfectly toasted bread, while it's still slightly warm, making the mayo slightly become one with the bread as it oozes into the crevices of the toast, softening it. Ah, dreamy. But I said nothing, but you see why I'm weak? And he then says, "BLT sounds good." AGGHHH! No! So I say, ok, let's go to the grocery store and get the stuff cuz I have a little grocery list anyway, and I could use his help to get some of the heavier items. And we must leave soon, so that I can be back in time to watch Frasier. :) Can you tell I love TV too?

So we come home, and I bake the bacon, while he goes to the gym.Treadmill So give him credit there, because he's gonna hate that I'm writing all this about him. He could have given up the gym, like most would with the attitude of, why, when I'm eating bad? So points for that...and I'm not mentioning any names, and none of our outside readers will have any idea who I'm talking about.

So bacon cooked, and it smells yum. The benefit of it being done in the oven is it tastes like it was fried in a pan, but you don't have to watch over it, and it doesn't make your house smell as bad (again, important for me). And he makes his sandwich and asks if I'm gonna have one, but I decided in my head instead, that I would have one piece to satisfy my craving, and have two slices of swiss cheese, one regular, one baby, to see which I liked better. This filled me up enough and like I said, took away my bacon craving. Which was good, cuz he went down to make himself another half of a sandwich and ate ALL THE BACON! Hello? Did I say I was never going to have a sandwich? No, I said not right now. Thanks for thinking of me. Henny Penny cooks, but gets none of her work?! But he saved me. Because he now had eaten an entire pound of bacon, minus my one piece. I felt good.

But I thought I'd still want a sandwich, so I did make more. But thankfully my meds kicked in, and I was getting really sleepy. SleepingI put it in the oven, and he had to check on it for me when the timer went off, and it wasn't quite done. So it went back in, and then all I did was turn the oven off, so I could take a nap. But I left it in there on the plate, and it burned a little too much for my liking from the heat of the oven as it was cooling... sooooo, saved again. Those are signs! I'm doing good, and it's not worth derailing it! So yay for me! I feel proud. I resisted. And even though it was just this once, it made me feel like I did before, when I would say no, and stick to my better choices while he didn't, and I could feel ok, and not talk about how sick I felt after, and why'd I eat all that, and all his other crazy sayings that grate on my last nerve about him being fat. And you know what sayings I'm referring to, Mrs. BC. You've been there for those episodes. They have not changed.

Now I could post pictures of us, but I will save his identity. Because I do understand that for some reason when he's with me, he eats like a pig. I bring it out in him for some reason. I bring it out in all men...only I guess that since he's gay, I bring out in the true terms of eating for him, and in the straight guys, I bring out their Pig-like attitudes.

There so first.

Wednesday, May 14, 2008


Ok, real quick...probably my shortest blog yet.

Mrs. Buttercream, do you feel like adding walking to our commitment to ourselves, and eachother, as something we'll be accountable to each other for? I'm allowed to walk, and it's one of the easiest and best forms of exercise. Low impact, I'm only allowed to do ten minutes a day. We could shoot for everyday, or if you want, start with just the goal of 3 times a week, and then work up to 5 days?

Monday, May 12, 2008

Eat To Make Me Happy

Now that's a title that can mean a lot of things.

Does that mean eat all the goodie, gooey, sweet, savory, sugary, cheesy, chocolatey, salty, soft center, fried things that taste so good in my mouth, but leave me feeling guilty, disappointed in myself, sick to my stomach, too full to move, need to unbutton my pants no matter who's around, make me grumpy, tired, and wanna take a nap, and dread getting on the scale or putting on a pair of jeans?
Or does it mean to eat all the savory, fresh, healthy, cheesy, gooey things that taste so good in my mouth, I can't believe it's good for me, that it's filled with items that I never thought I'd even try, let alone eat it and like it.? And afterwards, no guilt feelings, no beating myself up, and no worrying my clothes won't fit tomorrow, or the number on the scale will make me feel sad.
Well, I'm opting to keep on trying for the second choice. And I really think that's a great way to look at it. If I could just get it across to one person that eating healthy doesn't mean a piece of stringy celery for a snack, or that their won't ever be anything you'll eat that tastes sinfully delicious. Cuz I can make some awesome meals, that I never even label "healthy" because most people automatically turn their mind off from it.

It's like the first time I told Roy about my brown rice mixture. He sorta crinkled his nose and was like, "mm, ok." No enthusiasm. And I know he knows I'm a good cook, but you could tell by his reaction it was saying. I'll pass. But he stayed the night that night because we were in an all consuming ALIAS marathon. Which is what I love about Roy, cause he loves to do stuff like that, and so do I. In fact it was my 2nd time doing the marathon, but my 1st was by myself and it was so much better with him! Love my gay husband! :) He means the world to me, and we have so much fun. But this marathon was taking a toll on our waistlines as we stocked up on hostess pies, donuts, Cheez-its, chips, and take out, pizza, and even mixed a few cocktails. So I woke up and started making it one morning, so it would be ready, and not have to cook it later, and wind up grabbing somethin ese cuz I couldn't wait for to cook when I'm hungry. And brown rice takes about an hour till it's ready. And when I got to the vegetables sauteing, he leans over the balcony and yells "What is that? It smells so good." I told him it was my brown rice mixture, so he came down and watched me finish making it, and then dove in when it was ready. He loved it so much, he went home and made it for his boyfriend, and they both love it and got into it, too, trying all kinds of different things to put into it.
So long story long... :) If you just open your mind to trying something, you might be surprised. And that's a great little goal to have for yourself, Mrs. ButterCream, since youmentioned in your last blog about having little goals - just say one day out of each week, you're gonna try something different that's healthy that you said no to before. A big key to this is using FRESH and REAL ingredients. Not Garlic Powder, or jarred garlic, but a fresh clove of garlic. Good olive oil, real butter. If you use things with good flavor, the taste goes further for making something taste good, and you can use less, as in the case with butter.

And that's one of the reasons Ilike this blog with you, it makes think of things that I'd forgotten about. And it makes me try to hold true to the promises I made on here. Lately I haven't wanted to stand and cook, but I'm not eating any well rounded meals. I'm eating pieces of cheese, some nuts, and those Fiber One bars. And those things are good, lots of fiber, some protein, but still sugar. They;re a treat, not something you should eat 5 a day of! I'm out of control, but they taste so good and are so convenient, lust like cheese sticks, and nuts. I have to donothing. But they are not "meals" and I'm missing out on a lot of nutrients. So I'm making brown rice this week. And I'm going to Trader Joe's, cuz they have these awesome Southwestern Chicken burgers that have veggies in them. They are super yummy and flavorful yummy, and you can eat them just as is, or on a whole grain piece of bread, and put a little pesto on the bread, and salt and pepper and a squeeze of lemon, and ad lettuce and tomatoes. Even better with arugula, gives it a nice peppery taste. So many ideas! And just in case your curious:

Olivia's Brown Rice Mixture
Brown rice cooked with garlic, a dash of that yummy vietnamese chili sauce, and chicken stock (sometimes I do part chicken stock,and a small can of fresh organic tomatoes). When it's done, I take it out of the pan, and put it into a big bowl. Then drizzle olive oil, a little more garlic, into the same pan, and saute every vegetable I've got - zucchini, yellow squash, broccoli, and spinach. Now toss all that into the rice in the bowl. Now in the same skillet, I scramble about 4 eggs. Toss that in the rice mixture, and then throw in diced green onions, and pine nuts. It's great! And you can change the veggies, the nuts-cashews, macadamia, almonds, add meat like turkey, salmon, chicken (even a rotisserie would be even quicker) instead of eggs, whatever floats your boat for the day, or whatever is in the fridge. And always salt & pepper throughout cooking - again fresh ground pepper, and fresh ground kosher salt is way better!

Se Armo' la Gorda en Las Haciendas

I wasn't sure if I should write about last night in this blog or my personal blog but then I spoke with Ms Fatty Patty and she told me it most definitely fit in this blog. I'll tell you her reasoning in a second. But first let me fill you in...Let me start out by saying that last night's Mother's Day dinner with my family was the creepiest event EVER! All of us went...there was about 13 of us. My mother-n-law picked Las Haciendas in Clear Lake. So we are all there, laughing (as the Henderson's usually do when we are all together), eating and having a great time. Then all of a sudden I hear some yelling behind me. Thinking that it must be someones birthday, I turn around to get a glimpse of the embarrassed patron and realize it's no ones birthday but a panic to get out of the restaurant. Everyone is yelling, "Get Out, Get Out!!". Mother's are grabbing their children with panicked looks on their faces, men are running towards the front door, Robyn is casually trying to find her purse (lol)...a man in a wheel chair is pushing a pregnant woman out of the was chaos for a second there. I was sure that I was in a scene from Cloverfield and an alien was about to put his foot through the ceiling. ANYWAYS... Someone had ran into the gas line behind the restaurant and natural gas was pouring into the kitchen. You could hear and smell the gas from across the parking lot. It was very scary for a second there.

So...Fatty Patty came to the conclusion that Karma was trying to tell me..."YOU ARE NOT SUPPOSE TO BE EATING THIS CRAP!" True...I should not have pigged out on the chips and queso BUT...I shouldn't have had that dipped cone at Diary Queen either and nothing bad happened there!

 is a new day! This morning I ate a little chicken salad and I'll eat the rest of that for lunch along with a fat free, sugar free jello. Then tonight Ryan and I are having shrimp and veggie stir fry!
My little family is going to Michigan to visit my mom the end of June (if all goes as planned). I have 7 weeks to loose some weight! I should be able to do this NO problem! I think if I have little goals like this it might help. I got out my food journal again this morning. I will try to be more diligent in keeping up with it! The week I actually did it I found that it brought attention to every little piece of food that I ate. I didn't realize how quickly it adds up!

Till next time...

Friday, May 9, 2008

Mindless Snacking

Again, I've still spent most of these last few days sleeping, and being dizzy when I am awake. I thank you all for telling me it must be water retention for the 8lb gain. I've paid close attention to what I've been eating over these last few days, and I think you are right.
Wednesday I didn't eat much again, but my mother brought me grilled chicken and some steamed broccoli, which I ate very little of, but did eat, and had a piece of stick cheese. And I got back to my daily goal of drinking 12 glasses of water. But come the next morning, I still weighed the same!
So yesterday, I paid closer attention to the day and I realized I didn't have my pack of black licorice lying on my bed anymore...because I had finished them the day before! Never thought anything of reaching out for those couple of pieces of licorice every now and then, here and there, that could be contributing to my weight. Sometimes it's that mindless eating that we never count, or remember (especially on prescription meds!) that does us in. And that's the point of a food journal, and that's the point of this blog.
So while it was a combination of the other things I could remember - not enough water, new drug - it was also that yummy black licorice package I kept eating "just two" of, but two everytime I woke up!
So thankfully, I woke up this morning 2.5 lbs lighter. And my Dr. said that this new drug actually may bloat me while it takes the place of the other drugs that were in my system, and my body is going through a process of riding itself of the other drugs. So, I'm not gonna get upset.
And I know, some of you say get rid of the scale, it doesn't work to weigh yourself. For me, it does. I like knowing if I'm doing something right, doing something wrong, so I can be motivated one way or another. We all have our thing that works for us. I need my scale. :) And I need this blog. Mrs ButterCream, how about you? Is this blog working for you? ;)

Thursday, May 8, 2008

Wha, Wha, What? 8 LBS!

I'm up late and can't sleep because one of my new meds makes me dizzy and sleep all day long! And I'm getting so bored sitting around doing nothing. I have managed to go on a couple dates, and each one was's that day 2 thing that never seems to go as well, or even come for that matter! :) But that's for my other blog that I've started - - my complaints specifically on dating and men go there. But food is still my biggest issue.

So because of my nerve pain, I'm on a major, severe, pain medication, and I think it's making me bloat. In four days I have gained 8 pounds! Now I haven't ate healthy meals, but I've barely ate at all. I realize it could be my body going into "starvation mode" because I'm not nurturing it at all, but 8 pounds?! Criminey! And I had a date on Saturday, so I didn't eat a lot that day. I slept until literally an hour before he was supposed to be here. He brought healthy goodies to snack on. I got pizza, but it wasn't that great, so I didn't even finish my one piece, so I say it's got to be the medication. I have definitely upped my water intake to make sure everything is moving along the way it should be. This medication dries out your mouth and dehydrates your body like crazy. I've done my research on it, and no where does it say that weight gain is a side effect - weight loss is! - so what am I doing wrong? It has certainly helped with my pain tho, tremenduously. But seeing 8 pounds and not even have ate anything to say well, I did have that, but at least it was worth it, makes me sad and discouraged. Gotta pay really close attention to what I put in my mouth tomorrow.

Wednesday, May 7, 2008

Note To Self...

Learn how to spell!

Tuesday, May 6, 2008

Horror At The Grocery

Friday, May 2, 2008

The Blog Works!

I haven't written on here this week. It's amazing how quickly time passes sometimes. This last week has been filled with highs...and unfortunately, today, a crushing low. Stupid, but crushed me nonetheless. It's the meds, too. Pain killers mess with your mind, you know? Anyone with any kind of injury, or constant pain, knows what I'm saying. Anyone on anti-depressants knows what I'm saying! :) But I wish I could handle the "blips" on my otherwise great life, better. I immediately found the Hostess pie that I had been so proud of for not touching, even though it had been in the house for well over three weeks. In a sense, I was glad it was the only thing I over-indulged in. I wanted to go to McDonald's, or go get tacos, or something "comforting." But I stopped, and thought. The saving grace has been you, Lisa, and this blog. PTL for my brain sometimes. I can always count on it for (over) thinking...I just am proud of myself when I use it for the right reasons, and make the right choices, and come to the right conclusion. :)

I have my issues about doing this blog. Some days I love it, and some days, I feel it isn't really accomplishing anything. But that's the way all of life is. Things can change from one thing to another so quickly! God, and women, especially, for me anyway, my moods are all over the place, only taken to new heights because of my meds. I'm gonna go crazy, I swear! But today I thought about the blog I wrote titled MEN, and how I said I'm not gonna let bad moments have so much power over me that I lose control of the things that I AM IN CONTROL OF! And I am in control of my choices of what I eat, and what I let myself feel about my choices. I can't change what other people do or say, or understand the reasons that some things happen. I can only make myself happy, and find the things that help me do it. Sometimes I get stuck in a low place. And that's when I realized that this blog is helping. I have a place to let it out, instead of stuffing it down with food, and that's comforting

You know not every blog on here will be specifically about what I ate today, and how many pounds I lost or gained. But that's because a lot of my issues that cause me to eat are emotional. Clearly, I am the overly emotional, excessively expressive one on here! :) Deal with know that's me! LOL But, it's a lot of the reasons we choose to eat the things we do - emotional eating. I think you and I are both that way. But thanks for being there for me. Even though you aren't right by my side, you're as close to me as you can be, and you never let me down when I need you. So I'm sending you my love, and saying thanks for giving me a place to deal, instead of hiding and eating. And I think I'm living for the day that I put the pharmaceutical company out of business because I'm finally off my pain medications...I just know without me, they're gonna be seeing a significant decrease in cash flow! ;)

5 Pounds!

Friday I went to the Fertility specialist again. My blood pressure is up again I was dreading the weigh in. I'm pretty sure I let out a audible sigh when the nurse kept moving the little bar over...and over...and over. And by "over" I do mean to the right! By their calculations I had gained 4 pounds!!!!!!!!! WHAT? Great...not only would my doctor see that I'd gained instead of lost (which is NOT what she told me to do) but I would have to blog about my gain. Oh, Crap! So when I got back to my doctor's office and she looked over my file, she read my weight outloud and said I see you are at ***. I must have made some kind of sound when I heard it outloud cause she looked up real quick and said, "Now don't get upset. Our scales are about 9 pounds off so actually you've probably lost about 5 pounds!" WHAT? Yipee! Isn't that great!

I really miss you Olivia...