Monday, August 6, 2012

Such A Pretty... What Now?

I just got a comment on my previous post from a while back, Titled, SUCH A PRETTY FAT.  It was in regards to a book titled the same.  How many of us fat/former fatties have heard "you've got such a pretty face," "you'd be so pretty if you lost weight?"  I know I did.  If I only had a nickel...  The comment got me thinking it was time for an update, so thanks for leaving it, it couldn't have come at a better time! ;)  Once again, life pushes you through things, and throws you curve balls, and you just get caught in the whirlwind going, "What do I do?"

Here I am, another, 2 or 3 years later from that post, and a whole 11 years after losing my weight and let me say- I have gone from 305 at my heaviest, to 155 and maintained for 5 years until I discovered I had a degenerative back disorder and after trying to avoid surgery for 2 years, my body refused to cooperate, and I had to have spinal fusion.  It set me back into a deep depression due to meds and sadness of being able to do nothing.  I gained 30 pounds.  I figured I'd stay there. I'd lost the battle, but oh well, at least it was under 200, right?  But I pulled myself out of that after 2 years and went back to work and enjoying my life.  I had a spring back in my step at work, cuz I love my job so much!  It was nice to get hit on again, even at that weight, but it got me motivated to go back to eating healthier- that, and the crappy economy!  Thank you for celery and Laughing Cow cheese!  It became my go to snack on the airplane all day.  And string cheese!  Was cost effective and left me satiated.  I covered my protein with eggs and bean and cheese tortillas on whole wheat tortillas, heating them up wrapped in foil on the hot plate of the coffee pot in the back galley. Red bell peppers and almonds.  I packed my lunch for my 3 day trips and stuck to it!  I had to, I had no money!  I just spent 2 years out of work!  So it was forced, but thank god!

I met the man of my dreams who treated me like a princess, worshipped the ground I walked on, and loved me with all he could.  I lived in heaven for a good solid 8 months, as I continued to take of the pounds I had put on while off work.  I was flyin high!  And then my world crashed to a screeching halt when my father had an anneurism.  We lived in the hospital praying for a miracle that removing the clot in a risky surgery would help keep the swelling of his brain from growing so much that he would actually choke on it.  They removed half his skull, brought his body to a cold temperature of somewhere in the 60's to continue to keep down the swelling, and we all gathered in the waiting room of Stanford hospital everyday waiting for the 2 hours we were allowed to go in, and then just bunkered down there in case there was a change or news.  It will be 2 years on August 07th, that my mother had to make the gut wrenching decision to take him off life support because he had no signs of improvement, and still had another clot growing in his brain.  My father had never wanted to do any of this anyway, so really, my mother had given him far more of a chance than my father had ever expressed wishes for.  He hoped he would go in his sleep at home, & his wishes were that if he did, to please not take him to the hospital to try to do anything for him.  He knew he was living with the chance of an anneurism happening since he was 30.  Needless to say, it has been the worst, most painful experience of my entire life.  Everyday I wake up, there's still that instant in the morning where I relive the whole thing as if it's the 1st day I am waking up knowing he won't be there.  Anyone who has lost a parent or a child knows what I am saying.

Well, that just changed my world.  I wanted to spend all my time with my mother & sister.  And the man of my dreams slowly grew further away from me, till we broke off our ill-fated engagement & never spoke again.  I withered away to 143 pounds.  A weight I thought I would have been happy to be at, was now only sad to me because of how I acheived it.  People wanted to know how I did it, and my answer was that my father had died.  What a downer I was, right?  A W K W A R D .  I missed my curves.  I believe in & love being voluptuous!  And that doesn't sound very thin to you all probably, but here's a side note- when you are heavy all your life, your bones become very dense to help support that weight, so they end up weighing more.  So although I way 143, I look about 116-124, depending on who I ask.  I can where a 4, and in some things, a 2.  I can wear size 25-27 jeans and them not be tight!  I finally gave away a pair of 29's 2 years ago that an ex bf had bought me cuz I said I will absolutely NEVER be that skinny!  Whodathunk? 

This past February my dream guy & I got back in touch & started seeing each other again.  Realizing it was just a horrible time to try to hold onto a relationship when it was all I could do keep myself together & what was left of my small little family, we thought we could finally be back to that dream love we had found in one another before.  Well, it's August now, & once again, we just broke off our engagement and I weigh 137.  I'm a sack of skin covering bones.  A weight I had always dreamed would make me "happy" is now marking one of the downest periods of my life.  It's the 2nd anniversary of my father's death, I've just been told my pet has only weeks to live, and my fiance just moved out.  I've got to search deeeeeeeeeeep for some strength to pull myself out of this. 

But my point, after all that back story, :D  is that once again, if you aren't happy with who you are, those issues will be there no matter what size you are.  I have been wealthy, poor; red haired, blonde, back to red (thank god!); the good girl, the bad girl; married, divorced, dating, relationships, engaged, single & fancy free; living my dream of singing on stages, to singing in my living room, to singing in the car, to crying to the music, to not even turning it on so I don't have to be reminded of what I'm feeling; and obese, to thin, to heavy, to now my thinnest ever, & I still haven't found what I'm looking for.  No matter what, your issues with yourself are still there.  Until you learn to accept who you are and own it, or take control over it & fix it, you are going to be chasing the "beginnning" of your life forever!  And before you know it, time will have passed you by and you'll be going, What do I have to show for it?  Did I enjoy it?  Did I ever try for my dreams?  Did I love me?  Did I stop and appreciate the ones I do have in my life that love me?  Well have you?  Do you?   You better do it, & do it now!  I have learned a lot.  Or so I think. :)  But I have a long way to go!  I will not give up!  I still want to be healthy- physically & mentally.  Don't we all?! ;)  It's work.  At least for me.  And in a lot of ways, I think if you've been heavy, there's a reason for it, so it's probably gonna be work for you too. 

My soapbox is starting too show strain...  till next time, keep striving to fly your freak flag & love it everytime it shows! ;)