For You Fatty...

Baby Steps...again and again...

2008-10-02T11:12:00.001-07:00

It's been a few months since I was able to sit down and write. Not just because I've been busy (YES, I have been!) but because I didn't want to write about my failures of eating healthy.

I don't know how to make my mind click like O is telling me. I don't know how to say, "Lisa, that Whataburger is NOT good for you, eating it will NOT make you feel better!" Instead I say, "Lisa don't you want a Whataburger right about now...why, yes...yes I do" and there goes my car into the drive thru!

So I've been thinking this week about portion control. I know I have a problem with this. When I go to a Mexican restaurant and they have the bottomless chips and salsa, I will sit there and eat it before the meal, during the meal AND after. Even after I can't stuff another bite into my mouth I will go for those last few chips in the basket. WHY????? Why do I do that? Why do I ask the people at the next table if they are going to eat what's left of their chips...ha, just kidding I would NEVER! But seriously I'm just as gross. So I'm thinking I need to start watching how much I eat.

Like for instance, Ryan and I went to Flaming Wok the other night. I ordered the child's plate because I didn't want to eat all the food they normally pile onto their dinner. BUT, it was still a big portion and about half way through I started feeling full. Did I stop? NO I didn't! I just kept on eating until I was about to pop! It was just SO stink'n tasty! But I got to thinking after I left there (thank goodness Ryan was driving so I could lay my seat back a little. People, I was stuffed!) that I could have asked for a to go box and when I got home or the next day I could have ate a little more if I wanted to. Why did I feel like I had to totally eat all of it right then?

One of my bosses at work turned me on to the best sandwich I've ever had (with the exception of the BLT at Hot Rods in Sacramento). It was a turkey sandwich on wheat with lettuce, tomato and mayo. The kicker was the cranberry sauce they put on one layer of the bread! Oh my, for the love of Benji! It is TASTY! SO...the very next day after having one of these, I went back down to the deli in our building and ordered another one. It was the regular size which is huge so it comes cut in half. I told myself I was going to eat half for lunch and then save the rest for dinner. Well after I got one half down, I went right for the other half! WHY? Yes, it was good but it would have been just as good for dinner and I wouldn't have stuffed myself like a Build-A-Bear!!

Anyways...I could go on for days with examples but I will spare you the gory details! My plan is to start watching what I eat as far as portion control. You'll be happy to know that yesterday when I had that sandwich AGAIN I only ordered a half so I wouldn't be tempted! Today I had a can of soup for lunch and instead of eating a donut I had a brain muffin! Also, instead of munching on chocolate from a co-workers candy dish, I ate a few mini sized cheese flavored rice cakes.

Baby steps...

Just Me...Complaining About My Weight Again...

2008-06-07T14:33:00.000-07:00

So the saddest thing I've ever seen happened at lunch the other day. Me and my co-workers, Laura and Vinnie, where at a little Italian place called Antonio's. I was stuffing my face with bread (melt in your mouth) and oil while waiting for my entree when this group of ladies walked in. There was about 8 or 9 of them and they sat at the table right across from us. The last lady to walk in had to be the biggest person I'd ever seen in real life. I felt so bad for her. It must be hard just getting around for her. It must be a challenge just getting up every day to face the world. Anyways...as they all took their seats, she was the last to sit down. The second she fully rested her weight in her chair it just crumbled out from under her. She not only fell but fell on her stomach...flat out on the floor. No one from her table got up to help her but two men from the closest table to them immediately jumped up to help. The whole place went silent. It would have been bad enough if it would have been a person of normal size but she was so heavy. I wanted to cry for her. I wanted to go throw my arms around her and tell her I was so sorry that had happened to her. It took her what seemed like forever to get up. She couldn't bend her legs so it was very hard to maneuver up. If it would have been me I would have walked right out and not even ate there. But she graciously got in her new chair and thanked the men who had helped her with a smile on her face. Gosh I really felt so bad for her. After that happened it was harder for me to eat my lunch. (Notice I said harder...not impossible) I told myself then and there that I was going to get more serious about my weight and health. But as I sit here now trying to pick the popcorn kernel out of my teeth from the movie this afternoon I'm wondering why I can't commit to loosing weight. Fatty Patty tells me it's because it hasn't clicked. I guess it hasn't because I'm still eating bad. I'm sure I've gained back the 5 pounds I'd lost and maybe even a couple more.

So I've been thinking that what I need is a change. Some new scenery...new people to interact with on a daily basis and what do ya know...I get a department change at work which places me temporarily at our corporate office downtown. Where I'm at now it really doesn't matter what you wear. Jeans and a T-shirt is fine or whatever you feel like wearing. Downtown is very differnt though with everyone wearing their corporate best. So I've been going through my closet today trying on all my dress clothes that I USE to be able to wear. I can't believe what all I've grown out of. Some beautiful clothes that I can't even get buttoned! I had to go out and buy new clothes just to have enough stuff to wear this next week. Ugh...I can't describe the feelings of self loathing I have right now. I almost hate myself for the careless way I've behaved with my eating. But when I think about cutting out all the bad foods I love I get depressed. What will make me happy now? Oh curse those Zingers and Ding Dongs! Curse Flaming Wok, Gringo's and a million curses to Whataburger!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I hope you all go out of business! (Well maybe not Whataburger) Why can't I just stick to this? WHY CAN'T I DO THIS???????????????

By the way...this is how I feel trying to fit into all my clothes that are too small. Cry on girl...I feel ya!

Such A Pretty Fat

2008-05-28T19:06:00.000-07:00

I've been thinking a lot about you, and us, and now, and the past, etc...you get my drift. I guess because you were gone, and I have nothing to really do, and you know I'm starting to get to the depressed part of being home and not being able to do a lot of anything while recovering. And I'm reading this book I told you about, SUCH A PRETTY FAT, and the character reminds me SO MUCH of you. She's stinkin hilarious!

I keep thinking how we've talked about how much time we've wasted worrying about how we look and what it has stopped us from doing because of our lame insecurities. In this book she says that it doesn't matter what you do, if you don't like your insides, nothing will ever matter about your outsides. And I can firmly attest to that. I thought all my problems would be solved after I lost my 150 lbs, but no, here I still am... worried about it not being enough,if everyone likes me, do you all approve of this decision and that decision, and why am I still single, and when am I gonna get my singing together, and do I sound good when I do sing, etc... the list goes on and on.

And I think that's a lot like you. You've got internal conflicts and they are what keep you from losing the weight, because food is your source of comfort for all things. And I get that. I've just learned somewhat of how to deal with it a little better outside of food. And it helps that I have my sister who lives so close, because she keeps me in check for the simple fact that I wanna be thin with her, I don't wanna go back to being the fat sister. Yes, I'm still fatter than her, but I'm not fat. Not like I was. That's I wish we lived closer again, so we could really encourage each other, and do this together, because the blog is good, but it just isn't the same as being side by side, cooking, and being able to go walking, and exercising, and being there for each other in person. And I've seen the difference...and now I CAN'T blame my problems on the fact that I'm unhappy because I'm overweight, now I have to face the other things inside of me that make me sad and angry, and feel disappointed, and deal with those feelings, and not just be able to say, "it's cause I'm overweight." I have to admit that there are other things that I am unhappy about, and I have to find a way to fix them. Which is what I say about getting divorced...some people love to say I got thin, so I wanted to see what it would be like to be single and have fun, so I made him leave. But no, I got thin, and realized with that problem solved, I'm still not happy, it didn't make my marriage better. It made me realize it was still bad, so now I have to fix that, and it was not fixable and things were unforgivable.

Sometimes being heavy lets us hide from dealing with our other fears and problems. And we don't wanna deal with those things, so we keep the weight so we can keep saying that's why were ultimately unhappy..."if I could just lose the weight, I'd be happy, and feel good about myself." And that sort of has to deal with the click in your head thing I was saying earlier. But the click doesn't happen just once, if you're lucky. You continue to work on yourself, and you continue to learn and grow, and things keep clicking. Sometimes it's weird where the clicks come from. I just had one from reading this book. It clicked that she's right. All those years I blamed all my unhappiness on being fat, and when it was gone, I was so happy. But it was short lived. And here I am six years later, still working and dealing with my insides and trying to find what makes me happy.

And while you were gone at your mom's, and some of things I've heard you say, and your last blog, I realize that that may be what's holding you back from losing the weight. It's like you said, even when you lost it before, you weren't happy. And I remember that. Because there were other things that you needed to fix, and you couldn't blame being unhappy on the weight anymore, and that's a big shocker. Ok, I'm totally rambling now, but I guess I was just thinking a lot about you because I miss you so much, and I read your blog, and I feel I know you well enough to read a little between the lines, and hear the things your saying when I talk to you, even when you don't actually say it. You know? Maybe I'm all wrong. Just this book kinda opened my eyes to some things, and I wanted to express them to you. Love you.

Back Home...

2008-05-27T05:30:00.000-07:00

Well I am back home and starting today back to the reality of healthy eating! When I'm with my mom we eat a ton of sweets. That side of my family are all sweet freaks! My grandpa was in the hospital and had Honey Buns hidden in his bedside table! So...we had lots of good sweets while I was there. My glucophage was working double time! haha So on the way home, while sandwiched in a little plane I wrote a little...

"I'm on the plane that is taking me away from my mama and back to Houston. Sitting in this time seat has made me even more determined to drop all the excess weight. I fee so fat. I always bloat up like a blowfish when I fly. Plus there's a little tiny lady sitting next to me. I swear I'm dwarfing her. Not sure why but she just turned her air vent on full blast, pointed it towards me and covered up with a blanket that is blowing in the hurricane she's created in here and hitting me in the leg. I'm annoyed to say the least. She was reading a book called The Meringue Pie Murder which has made me crave pie with mile high whipped cream on top. I was so sad this morning to be leaving my mama that I had a bowl of butter pecan ice cream for breakfast. I'm not sure why...just because I thought it would make me feel better. It didn't. Matter-a-fact, it has totally upset my stomach. The only other thing I've had today is a Fiber One bar. When changing planes in Atlanta I passed by a Popeye's Chicken which of course has made me yearn for chicken fried chicken with mashed potatoes. I may have to get some when I get home. (if this lady next to me doesn't be still...I swear!) Monday is Memorial Day and I'm sure my in laws will have lots of good food at their little get together! Since I've not eaten all that great over the last week, I really should get back into the mindset of weight loss. When I'm with my mom we always hit up all the great places we like to eat. Just like me and FP when we are together. In Houston it's Whataburger, Caraba's and Shipleys. When I'm in CA it's Nishiki and Zelda's! (This lady keeps her books she's reading bound by rubber bands. She's moved onto a different book now. I'm annoyed by her. I want to pop her with that rubber band.) So I need to get home and get back to a healthy routine. Did I say "get back to"? I mean start a healthy routine! My mom owns a care home for mentally challenged adults and one of her residents has lost 47 pounds over the last year. My mom has been fixing her low sugar/low carb foods... Exactly what my fertility doctor said I needed to do. My mom had all kinds of books on the subject that I meant to bring back with me but I couldn't because it was either pack the 10 pounds of books or the 10 pounds of Koegel hotdogs that you can't buy in the south. Hello!!! Hotdogs, duh! (There's a baby screaming...a guy drooling on himself in front of me, and the lady next to me has turned towards me totally as if she and I are in this great conversation but we're NOT...she's reading! Get OUT of my space lady!!!!!!!!!)"

So anyways...that was my little writings on the plane. When I go back and read it now I realize how much I need to change the way I think of food! I look at my cousin Becky who is not even 28 yet and has already gotten her doctorate and just ran a 15 mile marathon. She has so much self discipline. I admire her a great deal! I just wish I could get control of my eating. If I could borrow some of her discipline for a little while that would be great!

So today is the first day of the rest of my life (how many times have I said that?) and I'm having oatmeal for breakfast. Not sure about lunch yet but I vow to myself it will be healthy! Fatty Patty, you are going to look so gorgeous in your pictures in 8 days! I will think of that...get jealous...and maybe that will help me eat right :-)

OK...must go to work. Until next time...

Goal Time

2008-05-25T22:29:00.000-07:00

My word for the year is acceptance, so I'm accepting a lot of things that I need to do, and a lot of things I can't change. I'm really feeling like this is my year, and it's time to step up all my efforts, and goals. That's why I chose to have my back surgery, and I'm really trying to get to where I'm eating better, and not escaping from my feelings thru food. Not letting other people's remarks or decisions affect mine.

That being said, I'm trying to use this time off from my real job to focus on healing, so I can go back to work, but also to do what I can with my music career while I have the most free time. So I'm trying to update everything with that, so that when I make my "comeback," it's strong, and people are glad I'm back, not thinking I lost it while out of the spotlight.

First thing up is new photos. All my professional photos are two years old, so I have a new photo shoot on June 4th. He's a well-known photographer, and his make-up artist/ hairstylist is awesome...so, I've got nine days to be strict with myself so I can look as good as possible for this shoot. These photos are going to be made into posters for one of my upcoming gigs, and you know the bigger the picture, the bigger the flaw looks. So keep me inspired, Mrs. BC. I need you to keep me focused and remind me not to give in to temptations for just 9 days. I can do this! Right?

Not sure if you'll read these while you're gone, or in the morning before I talk to you, but that's part of what's been happening while you've been gone. So help me do it!

In the meantime, SOOO glad you're home. It still isn't close enough to me, but I've got more access to you now. Love you!

Feeling Proud

2008-05-21T21:16:00.000-07:00

Last night and today we're a test to my willpower, and I am really proud of myself for sticking to my guns, because it's the first time in a long time I have been in this situation with this person, and have been able to do it.

You ever have one of those friends, or one of those places that you automatically go into "vacation" mode...all bets off, time to loosen the restraints and just indulge? Well, when this friend comes to my house, he always ends up wanting to eat something bad, and though I say no, I wanna eat good, we always end up with junk food and bad choices. And I always tell myself, oh well, just this one time. But one time matters to my morale, and it can set me off for days, and I didn't want to get off track.

So last night on his way here, he called to ask if I wanted In-N-Out on his way over. I said no, then called back and said yes, knowing I'd smell it and just want to be eating. But I wasn't hungry, if he wasn't here I would have been going to bed in about an hour or so and not have been eating. So I thought about that and called back again and told him no, I wanted nothing and I told him those above reasons when he asked why.

So he gets here, and I think, cool, because I know myself, and I won't ask for bites of food on something like that, so I figured I was safe from temptation. I'm not really a huge In-N-Out fan anyway. But NOOOO, instead he comes with a large paper bag from the AM/PM full of crap! So I prayed he had nothing I would like. But he did try to be thoughtful, and bought me Hostess orange cupcakes, cuz he knows I like them, but I had already had a pastry earlier from my favorite bakery, so my craving for something like that had been satisfied, and I was able to say no. He already reeked of Fritos that he began eating in his car, so I was turned off from those, cuz I have a very sensitive smeller, and once I'm ruined on something, I'm ruined. But then he had Snickers, Reese's, chocolate Hostess cupcakes, and Cheetos, and Cheez-Its. Well, candy bars haven't sounded good in a while, and I'm not a Cheetos fan too much - was when I was younger...I liked them smashed on my salami sandwich that was on a sourdough roll with tons of mustard...but since then I can take 'em or leave 'em. But a weakness for me is Cheez-It's. And he helped me by telling me they were gross and bad and stale. LOL But now I had to have some, just to see! So I did. I had about 7. They weren't anything worth giving into, so I was good. The horrible chili corn Frito smell was killing me, so I over sprayed the room with air freshener, turned on a fan, and told him to get ready for beddie-by.

But one of the problems when he's here is that he always wants to eat. He constantly is thinking of things we should go get, or make, or eat, and it's always bad! And it's always tempting. And I have this guilt that he drove all the way here (a 45 minute drive) that I should try and be a pleaser, so I feel I should do something he wants because I don't go there because of my back injury. I avoid driving long periods because of pain and meds. So I wasn't in the clear yet, because since he spent the night, and had the afternoon to kill, I'd have to hold fast, and be strong come morning!

Well, we were watching Wings on TVLand at 7:30am, one of my fave shows from the '90's, and Joe ordered a BLT from Helen at the lunch counter. Immediately visions of greasy bacon danced in my head, and I could smell the fresh cut tomatoes, and torn lettuce leaves, envisioning myself applying the mayo to my perfectly toasted bread, while it's still slightly warm, making the mayo slightly become one with the bread as it oozes into the crevices of the toast, softening it. Ah, dreamy. But I said nothing, but you see why I'm weak? And he then says, "BLT sounds good." AGGHHH! No! So I say, ok, let's go to the grocery store and get the stuff cuz I have a little grocery list anyway, and I could use his help to get some of the heavier items. And we must leave soon, so that I can be back in time to watch Frasier. :) Can you tell I love TV too?

So we come home, and I bake the bacon, while he goes to the gym. So give him credit there, because he's gonna hate that I'm writing all this about him. He could have given up the gym, like most would with the attitude of, why, when I'm eating bad? So points for that...and I'm not mentioning any names, and none of our outside readers will have any idea who I'm talking about.

So bacon cooked, and it smells yum. The benefit of it being done in the oven is it tastes like it was fried in a pan, but you don't have to watch over it, and it doesn't make your house smell as bad (again, important for me). And he makes his sandwich and asks if I'm gonna have one, but I decided in my head instead, that I would have one piece to satisfy my craving, and have two slices of swiss cheese, one regular, one baby, to see which I liked better. This filled me up enough and like I said, took away my bacon craving. Which was good, cuz he went down to make himself another half of a sandwich and ate ALL THE BACON! Hello? Did I say I was never going to have a sandwich? No, I said not right now. Thanks for thinking of me. Henny Penny cooks, but gets none of her work?! But he saved me. Because he now had eaten an entire pound of bacon, minus my one piece. I felt good.

But I thought I'd still want a sandwich, so I did make more. But thankfully my meds kicked in, and I was getting really sleepy. I put it in the oven, and he had to check on it for me when the timer went off, and it wasn't quite done. So it went back in, and then all I did was turn the oven off, so I could take a nap. But I left it in there on the plate, and it burned a little too much for my liking from the heat of the oven as it was cooling... sooooo, saved again. Those are signs! I'm doing good, and it's not worth derailing it! So yay for me! I feel proud. I resisted. And even though it was just this once, it made me feel like I did before, when I would say no, and stick to my better choices while he didn't, and I could feel ok, and not talk about how sick I felt after, and why'd I eat all that, and all his other crazy sayings that grate on my last nerve about him being fat. And you know what sayings I'm referring to, Mrs. BC. You've been there for those episodes. They have not changed.

Now I could post pictures of us, but I will save his identity. Because I do understand that for some reason when he's with me, he eats like a pig. I bring it out in him for some reason. I bring it out in all men...only I guess that since he's gay, I bring out in the true terms of eating for him, and in the straight guys, I bring out their Pig-like attitudes.

There so cute...at first.

Walking

2008-05-14T07:19:00.000-07:00

Ok, real quick...probably my shortest blog yet.

Mrs. Buttercream, do you feel like adding walking to our commitment to ourselves, and eachother, as something we'll be accountable to each other for? I'm allowed to walk, and it's one of the easiest and best forms of exercise. Low impact, I'm only allowed to do ten minutes a day. We could shoot for everyday, or if you want, start with just the goal of 3 times a week, and then work up to 5 days?

Eat To Make Me Happy

2008-05-12T19:55:00.000-07:00

Now that's a title that can mean a lot of things.

Does that mean eat all the goodie, gooey, sweet, savory, sugary, cheesy, chocolatey, salty, soft center, fried things that taste so good in my mouth, but leave me feeling guilty, disappointed in myself, sick to my stomach, too full to move, need to unbutton my pants no matter who's around, make me grumpy, tired, and wanna take a nap, and dread getting on the scale or putting on a pair of jeans?

Or does it mean to eat all the savory, fresh, healthy, cheesy, gooey things that taste so good in my mouth, I can't believe it's good for me, that it's filled with items that I never thought I'd even try, let alone eat it and like it.? And afterwards, no guilt feelings, no beating myself up, and no worrying my clothes won't fit tomorrow, or the number on the scale will make me feel sad.

Well, I'm opting to keep on trying for the second choice. And I really think that's a great way to look at it. If I could just get it across to one person that eating healthy doesn't mean a piece of stringy celery for a snack, or that their won't ever be anything you'll eat that tastes sinfully delicious. Cuz I can make some awesome meals, that I never even label "healthy" because most people automatically turn their mind off from it.

It's like the first time I told Roy about my brown rice mixture. He sorta crinkled his nose and was like, "mm, ok." No enthusiasm. And I know he knows I'm a good cook, but you could tell by his reaction it was saying. I'll pass. But he stayed the night that night because we were in an all consuming ALIAS marathon. Which is what I love about Roy, cause he loves to do stuff like that, and so do I. In fact it was my 2nd time doing the marathon, but my 1st was by myself and it was so much better with him! Love my gay husband! :) He means the world to me, and we have so much fun. But this marathon was taking a toll on our waistlines as we stocked up on hostess pies, donuts, Cheez-its, chips, and take out, pizza, and even mixed a few cocktails. So I woke up and started making it one morning, so it would be ready, and not have to cook it later, and wind up grabbing somethin ese cuz I couldn't wait for to cook when I'm hungry. And brown rice takes about an hour till it's ready. And when I got to the vegetables sauteing, he leans over the balcony and yells "What is that? It smells so good." I told him it was my brown rice mixture, so he came down and watched me finish making it, and then dove in when it was ready. He loved it so much, he went home and made it for his boyfriend, and they both love it and got into it, too, trying all kinds of different things to put into it.

So long story long... :) If you just open your mind to trying something, you might be surprised. And that's a great little goal to have for yourself, Mrs. ButterCream, since youmentioned in your last blog about having little goals - just say one day out of each week, you're gonna try something different that's healthy that you said no to before. A big key to this is using FRESH and REAL ingredients. Not Garlic Powder, or jarred garlic, but a fresh clove of garlic. Good olive oil, real butter. If you use things with good flavor, the taste goes further for making something taste good, and you can use less, as in the case with butter.

And that's one of the reasons Ilike this blog with you, it makes think of things that I'd forgotten about. And it makes me try to hold true to the promises I made on here. Lately I haven't wanted to stand and cook, but I'm not eating any well rounded meals. I'm eating pieces of cheese, some nuts, and those Fiber One bars. And those things are good, lots of fiber, some protein, but still sugar. They;re a treat, not something you should eat 5 a day of! I'm out of control, but they taste so good and are so convenient, lust like cheese sticks, and nuts. I have to donothing. But they are not "meals" and I'm missing out on a lot of nutrients. So I'm making brown rice this week. And I'm going to Trader Joe's, cuz they have these awesome Southwestern Chicken burgers that have veggies in them. They are super yummy and flavorful yummy, and you can eat them just as is, or on a whole grain piece of bread, and put a little pesto on the bread, and salt and pepper and a squeeze of lemon, and ad lettuce and tomatoes. Even better with arugula, gives it a nice peppery taste. So many ideas! And just in case your curious:

Olivia's Brown Rice Mixture

Brown rice cooked with garlic, a dash of that yummy vietnamese chili sauce, and chicken stock (sometimes I do part chicken stock,and a small can of fresh organic tomatoes). When it's done, I take it out of the pan, and put it into a big bowl. Then drizzle olive oil, a little more garlic, into the same pan, and saute every vegetable I've got - zucchini, yellow squash, broccoli, and spinach. Now toss all that into the rice in the bowl. Now in the same skillet, I scramble about 4 eggs. Toss that in the rice mixture, and then throw in diced green onions, and pine nuts. It's great! And you can change the veggies, the nuts-cashews, macadamia, almonds, add meat like turkey, salmon, chicken (even a rotisserie would be even quicker) instead of eggs, whatever floats your boat for the day, or whatever is in the fridge. And always salt & pepper throughout cooking - again fresh ground pepper, and fresh ground kosher salt is way better!

Se Armo' la Gorda en Las Haciendas

2008-05-12T03:31:00.000-07:00

I wasn't sure if I should write about last night in this blog or my personal blog but then I spoke with Ms Fatty Patty and she told me it most definitely fit in this blog. I'll tell you her reasoning in a second. But first let me fill you in...Let me start out by saying that last night's Mother's Day dinner with my family was the creepiest event EVER! All of us went...there was about 13 of us. My mother-n-law picked Las Haciendas in Clear Lake. So we are all there, laughing (as the Henderson's usually do when we are all together), eating and having a great time. Then all of a sudden I hear some yelling behind me. Thinking that it must be someones birthday, I turn around to get a glimpse of the embarrassed patron and realize it's no ones birthday but a panic to get out of the restaurant. Everyone is yelling, "Get Out, Get Out!!". Mother's are grabbing their children with panicked looks on their faces, men are running towards the front door, Robyn is casually trying to find her purse (lol)...a man in a wheel chair is pushing a pregnant woman out of the way...it was chaos for a second there. I was sure that I was in a scene from Cloverfield and an alien was about to put his foot through the ceiling. ANYWAYS... Someone had ran into the gas line behind the restaurant and natural gas was pouring into the kitchen. You could hear and smell the gas from across the parking lot. It was very scary for a second there.

So...Fatty Patty came to the conclusion that Karma was trying to tell me..."YOU ARE NOT SUPPOSE TO BE EATING THIS CRAP!" True...I should not have pigged out on the chips and queso BUT...I shouldn't have had that dipped cone at Diary Queen either and nothing bad happened there!

So...today is a new day! This morning I ate a little chicken salad and I'll eat the rest of that for lunch along with a fat free, sugar free jello. Then tonight Ryan and I are having shrimp and veggie stir fry!

My little family is going to Michigan to visit my mom the end of June (if all goes as planned). I have 7 weeks to loose some weight! I should be able to do this NO problem! I think if I have little goals like this it might help. I got out my food journal again this morning. I will try to be more diligent in keeping up with it! The week I actually did it I found that it brought attention to every little piece of food that I ate. I didn't realize how quickly it adds up!

Till next time...

Mindless Snacking

2008-05-09T13:19:00.001-07:00

Again, I've still spent most of these last few days sleeping, and being dizzy when I am awake. I thank you all for telling me it must be water retention for the 8lb gain. I've paid close attention to what I've been eating over these last few days, and I think you are right.
Wednesday I didn't eat much again, but my mother brought me grilled chicken and some steamed broccoli, which I ate very little of, but did eat, and had a piece of stick cheese. And I got back to my daily goal of drinking 12 glasses of water. But come the next morning, I still weighed the same!
So yesterday, I paid closer attention to the day and I realized I didn't have my pack of black licorice lying on my bed anymore...because I had finished them the day before! Never thought anything of reaching out for those couple of pieces of licorice every now and then, here and there, that could be contributing to my weight. Sometimes it's that mindless eating that we never count, or remember (especially on prescription meds!) that does us in. And that's the point of a food journal, and that's the point of this blog.
So while it was a combination of the other things I could remember - not enough water, new drug - it was also that yummy black licorice package I kept eating "just two" of, but two everytime I woke up!
So thankfully, I woke up this morning 2.5 lbs lighter. And my Dr. said that this new drug actually may bloat me while it takes the place of the other drugs that were in my system, and my body is going through a process of riding itself of the other drugs. So, I'm not gonna get upset.
And I know, some of you say get rid of the scale, it doesn't work to weigh yourself. For me, it does. I like knowing if I'm doing something right, doing something wrong, so I can be motivated one way or another. We all have our thing that works for us. I need my scale. :) And I need this blog. Mrs ButterCream, how about you? Is this blog working for you? ;)

Wha, Wha, What? 8 LBS!

2008-05-08T02:16:00.000-07:00

I'm up late and can't sleep because one of my new meds makes me dizzy and sleep all day long! And I'm getting so bored sitting around doing nothing. I have managed to go on a couple dates, and each one was great..it's that day 2 thing that never seems to go as well, or even come for that matter! :) But that's for my other blog that I've started - http://www.imnotthatdesperate.blogspot.com/ - my complaints specifically on dating and men go there. But food is still my biggest issue.

So because of my nerve pain, I'm on a major, severe, pain medication, and I think it's making me bloat. In four days I have gained 8 pounds! Now I haven't ate healthy meals, but I've barely ate at all. I realize it could be my body going into "starvation mode" because I'm not nurturing it at all, but 8 pounds?! Criminey! And I had a date on Saturday, so I didn't eat a lot that day. I slept until literally an hour before he was supposed to be here. He brought healthy goodies to snack on. I got pizza, but it wasn't that great, so I didn't even finish my one piece, so I say it's got to be the medication. I have definitely upped my water intake to make sure everything is moving along the way it should be. This medication dries out your mouth and dehydrates your body like crazy. I've done my research on it, and no where does it say that weight gain is a side effect - weight loss is! - so what am I doing wrong? It has certainly helped with my pain tho, tremenduously. But seeing 8 pounds and not even have ate anything to say well, I did have that, but at least it was worth it, makes me sad and discouraged. Gotta pay really close attention to what I put in my mouth tomorrow.

Note To Self...

2008-05-07T11:57:00.000-07:00

Learn how to spell!

Horror At The Grocery

2008-05-06T09:34:00.000-07:00

The Blog Works!

2008-05-02T22:49:00.000-07:00

I haven't written on here this week. It's amazing how quickly time passes sometimes. This last week has been filled with highs...and unfortunately, today, a crushing low. Stupid, but crushed me nonetheless. It's the meds, too. Pain killers mess with your mind, you know? Anyone with any kind of injury, or constant pain, knows what I'm saying. Anyone on anti-depressants knows what I'm saying! :) But I wish I could handle the "blips" on my otherwise great life, better. I immediately found the Hostess pie that I had been so proud of for not touching, even though it had been in the house for well over three weeks. In a sense, I was glad it was the only thing I over-indulged in. I wanted to go to McDonald's, or go get tacos, or something "comforting." But I stopped, and thought. The saving grace has been you, Lisa, and this blog. PTL for my brain sometimes. I can always count on it for (over) thinking...I just am proud of myself when I use it for the right reasons, and make the right choices, and come to the right conclusion. :)

I have my issues about doing this blog. Some days I love it, and some days, I feel it isn't really accomplishing anything. But that's the way all of life is. Things can change from one thing to another so quickly! God, and women, especially, for me anyway, my moods are all over the place, only taken to new heights because of my meds. I'm gonna go crazy, I swear! But today I thought about the blog I wrote titled MEN, and how I said I'm not gonna let bad moments have so much power over me that I lose control of the things that I AM IN CONTROL OF! And I am in control of my choices of what I eat, and what I let myself feel about my choices. I can't change what other people do or say, or understand the reasons that some things happen. I can only make myself happy, and find the things that help me do it. Sometimes I get stuck in a low place. And that's when I realized that this blog is helping. I have a place to let it out, instead of stuffing it down with food, and that's comforting

You know not every blog on here will be specifically about what I ate today, and how many pounds I lost or gained. But that's because a lot of my issues that cause me to eat are emotional. Clearly, I am the overly emotional, excessively expressive one on here! :) Deal with it...you know that's me! LOL But, it's a lot of the reasons we choose to eat the things we do - emotional eating. I think you and I are both that way. But thanks for being there for me. Even though you aren't right by my side, you're as close to me as you can be, and you never let me down when I need you. So I'm sending you my love, and saying thanks for giving me a place to deal, instead of hiding and eating. And I think I'm living for the day that I put the pharmaceutical company out of business because I'm finally off my pain medications...I just know without me, they're gonna be seeing a significant decrease in cash flow! ;)

5 Pounds!

2008-05-02T07:20:00.000-07:00

Friday I went to the Fertility specialist again. My blood pressure is up again I was dreading the weigh in. I'm pretty sure I let out a audible sigh when the nurse kept moving the little bar over...and over...and over. And by "over" I do mean to the right! By their calculations I had gained 4 pounds!!!!!!!!! WHAT? Great...not only would my doctor see that I'd gained instead of lost (which is NOT what she told me to do) but I would have to blog about my gain. Oh, Crap! So when I got back to my doctor's office and she looked over my file, she read my weight outloud and said I see you are at ***. I must have made some kind of sound when I heard it outloud cause she looked up real quick and said, "Now don't get upset. Our scales are about 9 pounds off so actually you've probably lost about 5 pounds!" WHAT? Yipee! Isn't that great!

I really miss you Olivia...

Right...One Meal At A Time!

2008-04-29T18:58:00.000-07:00

Well then fine...one meal at a time it is! This morning I had a Fiber One bar...good right? Then for lunch, well... A vendor of ours at work bought my department lunch today. I had grilled chicken, mushrooms and spinach in a rich, creamy, buttery sauce over pasta. So I think that went um...well it went. Then for dinner tonight Ryan and I picked up Brendan and ate at Chick Fil-A. BUT, here's the deal...I only ate a few bites of the sandwich and a few fries. I normally would have eaten the entire thing including the fries Brendan didn't eat. (Have you ever had those waffle fries? OMG! Heaven!) So overall I probably should have left out the pasta and had a salad for dinner, but well, better luck next time. ONE MEAL AT A TIME! Oh yeah, I almost forgot...we went to Starbucks afterwards and I didn't have ANYTHING there...that's right not a thing! Are you proud now? Well you should be! Tomorrow's a new day. I'll be bringing my steam bag with my chicken and veggies! Maybe I'll doctor it up a bit more this time!

One MEAL at a time...

2008-04-28T18:16:00.001-07:00

So, I wanted to address this issue because I struggle everyday with choosing the right thing to eat, everytime I wanna eat. And Mrs. Buttercream just wrote how she is discouraged. Here's the thing...putting on weight, for most of us is, is as easy as one day of pigging out. There are the some who have trouble keeping weight on, and how we envy them! But whatever your struggle is, it's a struggle, and this is ours. However, taking off the weight is just not gonna happen thanks to one good meal, or in the blink of an eye...where is I Dream Of Jeannie when we need her? If I had a spell that I could cast to do it, I'd a had done cast it! And even then, when I say those things, if you read anything ever about Wicca, it's about believing in something you want, and asking the world to help you achieve it through your own "white light." It's not about changing something, or manipulatiing someone else, it's about changing you and your thinking. (ok, another subject for a different blog, a different page, a different world. LOL)

Mrs., if you could take the time to look at it as one meal at a time, it may not be so bad. For instance: I wrote on here last time how much I wanted pizza. One phone call, no effort, and it would have been here. But I thought about how I'd feel if I did it, I thought about the consequences. So I told myself, "it's 4pm, let me eat something healthy, I can feel proud of myself for, and then if I'm not satisfied, I'm ordering pizza later tonght." I ate the healthy choice, and then I was full, and thought, "good, no pizza. I feel good about myself, and my body will be happy, and I will be happy come tomorrow."

When I tell myself that I'm gonna go the whole day without sugar, it seems daunting and overwhelming. I hate that feeling, and then all I want is sugar, sugar, sugar!!! Every morning when I wake up, the first thing on my mind is food, what will I eat? And I think what am I craving, and how can I satisfy it and still do it healthy? That way if I mess up later, at least I ate one good meal. Then, when the next meal comes I think, well I ate good this morning, do I wanna blow today by eating a bad lunch? And then on, and on, like a domino effect. Then hopefully you make it through the day, three days, a week. And then the best motivation is how you feel about yourself, physically and mentally! Don't underestimate the feeling of you being proud of yourself whether your scale reflects it or not! The feeling of having more energy, your clothes fitting just a little bit better, the satisfaction of knowing you are doing something for you!

And some meals you will blow it, but it doesn't mean you go, "well I already ate that, screw today." So you had the meal that was bad for you, but yummy. Make up for it now, by staying on track the rest of the day.

I did my gig over this last weekend, so no, I didn't blog either. But let me tell you this part...I walked in to it feeling good having lost my ten+ pounds. I felt lighter, and happy. And then the reactions I got were so wonderful, that I left thinking how much I wanna keep it up. To hear all the compliments, it was pure motivation. I hopped on the scale this morning, and it's actually finally at the 15 pound mark, so do I wanna blow that now? NO! So what I'm trying to say is, little by little, the small accomplishments accumulate to one bigger one, and that will keep you going. But it's the first hurdle you have to get to so that you can make it to the next one. It's slow. I may have passed you, Lis, but it's taken me two months to get to 15 lbs. And really, it's taken me a year to get here. I woke up everyday saying I need to lose the 20, I need to lose the 20... But when I realized I was going to have surgery, I thought, this is it, this is my chance to take advantage of making my body better all around. It was my next "click." So I eat better while I'm recovering. And every meal, I think, what's gonna be healthy and satisfying, and full of flavor, so I don't want to eat the bad choice? But I also bought a cupcake over this weekend so I could eat the frosting off of it. :)

Get creative, too. Have little treats you can look forward to. I love buying the little jellos and I top them with whip cream. Not sugar free whip cream, or anything non fat. Real whip cream from the can. It's my treat. But it's not over the top. I eat a piece of dark chocolate some days. Picking all the low/no fat/sugar free stuff for everything isn't as good. A little of the real stuff goes a long way, it's more satisfing. But be reasonable. Drink some hot chocolate with a couple marshmallows or whip cream on it. Best creamy dessert - ricotta cheese with cocoa powder, and splenda, little whip cream on top. Cottage cheese with your favorite fruit. Use real cheese for full flavor, just less. It's gonna give you the flavor you're looking for. When I made my fritatta, I used six eggs, but only three of the yolks, and I used a nice sharp white cheddar cheese, cuz it's strong, and I can use less of it, but still get a full flavor. Use your zip-n-steam bag, and put in some parmesean; or do a little soy with splenda and sesame seeds, and a splash sesame oil. It's like terriyaki! Toss in pineapple! And if you have time, brine your chicken overnight before you take it to work: a big bowl, fill with water, squeeze in a whole lemon, and toss the lemon in too, salt and real sugar if you want, or splenda, and an herb flavor - bay leaf, frresh rosemary, thyme, whatever. (think oranges too, not always lemon). Flavors your whole piece of chicken, and keeps it moist. Marinate it in soy the night before. So many things to do get the flavors your craving!

Ok, I've talked enough! Call me for more ideas. :) You can do this!

Discouraged...

2008-04-28T13:31:00.001-07:00

Ok, Ok...I'm sorry I haven't wrote in a few days. I'm just so ashamed of myself. I haven't stuck to my diet...healthy eating...life change...new me...blah blah blah, at all and I just don't want to tell anyone. I could lie and write about all the healthy, wonderful foods I've discovered. I could tell everyone I've already lost 10 pounds but that would defeat the purpose of this blog. What good is this blog if I'm still not accountable to anyone and I don't make any progress. In that case I could just take up knitting and not have to come up with things to say, exept to myself. I see all these people on line and their blogs about how they've done such great things with weight loss and I feel like such a looser! Even my blog partner is passing me right up and is doing great! (I'm proud of you Olivia) I see people everywhere I go who are in shape and look great and it makes me feel so lousy! AND, to add to my feelings of ugliness, I'm getting some serious wrinkles around my eyes! SCREAM!!!!!!!!!!! WHY CAN'T I GET CONTROL OF THIS? I feel SO fat and ugly. Yes, I know Skinny Mini...It just has to click, I know, I know...

Today is Monday and I usually do pretty good on Mondays. Today for lunch I had some chicken and veggies. Fatty Patty told me about these microwave steam bags and I thought I'd give them a try. It was so easy and tasted really good! I added a chicken breast, some sliced zuchinni and squash, a dash of salt and pepper and that's it. You seal the bag, put it in the microwave for 5 minutes and it's done! The chicken is cooked, the veggies are perfect, and it tastes pretty good too! If anyone has any recipes for these steam bags please let me know!

Well...I'm off to the grocery store to try, try again...

Men

2008-04-23T09:09:00.000-07:00

Today's subject is PIGS, or as the above title, AKA, Men. I'm tired of them. I'm tired of the way they are and the way they think, and their immature, crippled, childlike way of thinking. I'm tired of how they always are waiting for the "something better," as if they have something better to offer. They don't. Today's men, especially around my age, are so stuck in not wanting to grow up. Time to take down your sports team paraphernalia, your random pieces of furniture you picked up on the side of the road, or your older sister gave you, and time to wash the cover you have over your futon...IT STINKS!

You may be thinking, what does this have to do with food. Well, I'll tell you. I've had an epiphany. I can't tell you how many times I meet the boy and get all giddy and butterflies in my tummy, and can barely eat, and am so motivated to eat healthy because I wanna look good, and I don't wanna be a pig on the date, etc., and then go to all my comfort foods when I realize this is going nowhere, he's an idiot, or worse, he stops calling, and I can't figure out why...no warning, no reason, just fell off the face of the Earth. Well, no more. I'm sure you can relate. And if you can't, I'm thrilled you've found the exception to the rule. Hold on to him.

Recently I've had two experiences that fit into the above descriptions, and although I was disappointed, I realized that turning to my comfort of eating will not make me feel better, but sticking to my plan will. And if they ever see me again, they will see how happy I am, and how good I look. No loss here, and I'm not gonna let it push me into a place where I feel worse about myself. You're already left questioning, "was it something I did?" I don't want to add to it, "why did I eat that?" I'm not giving someone that much power over me. And the best "revenge" is living a sweet life. And I've got that. So thanks for the memories...and the lessons. Moving on.

Even THEY get it...a little!

Go Rockets!

2008-04-23T04:54:00.000-07:00

Monday night Ryan and I went to the Rockets game! As anyone knows when you walk through the lobby of a stadium like the Toyota Center or any sporting event for that matter, the smells that hit you at the door can only be described as heaven! But I am NOT going to go into detail because I'm trying to be good and talking in detail about food will make me want to go right out and get it! So...I will leave you with this picture of me and the hot dog I had to eat. I HAD TO! But what did I get for my momentary lapse of judgement...sickness. I was sick...are you HAPPY NOW? By the way the Rockets lost 90 - 84. Whatever...

Today I started a food journal...because blogging about it just isn't enough! I'm writing down everything I eat. (Hopefully I won't get writers cramp) I guess the idea is to take a look at everything you eat so that you'll stop and say, wow...I ate all that? I'm including as much info about what I eat as possible. Calories, Fat and Carbs...etc. Hopefully this will work and I'll become more aware of what I'm eating!

Losing my momentum

2008-04-21T15:55:00.000-07:00

Well, my house arrest sentence is getting to me. I knew it was wrong to embezzle that money, but I was so high at the time, I wasn't thinking straight. Ok JUST KIDDING!

I am referring to being on mostly bed rest and not being able to drive much because of the medicines I'm on, etc, since surgery. It's a slow process, just like losing weight. I need to accept that. But it is wearing on me. I haven't felt like blogging. I haven't felt like eating, and I haven't felt like cooking.

Today I did make a broccoli and zucchini frittata. I feel like I'm not eating anything sound and healthy. I need some veggies in my life! :) Oh! I just remembered that I got those new steam in the bag pouches of broccoli and brussel sprouts! Yum! I'm gonna make some. But the temptation to just call and have a pizza delivered is starting to consume me. And sure, I could order it, have a slice or two, and be done. But if the rest of it is here, it will be calling me name until it's gone. "Olivia...Olivia." In fact, I think the pizza place itself is starting to call my name. Well, I'll do this: if I don't have to pee before 8pm tonight, then that's my sign I don't need the pizza. But If I do have to pee, then that's the spirits telling me I should get the pizza and calm the craving. There! Problem solved, and quite logically at that.

Dry Roasted Edamame

2008-04-21T07:14:00.000-07:00

The first time I ever had edamame was with my good friends Olivia, Roy and Zack at this great Sushi place in Sacramento. Once I got the hang of opening the pod up without sending little edamame's flying everywhere I really like it! I have actually bought the packages of frozen edamame to eat at home. Good stuff! Well last night I bought some dry roasted edamame. I thought it would be a great snack during the day at work. (Olivia are you looking at this picture? Can you see why I might not be happy with my purchace?) People let me tell you why this was not a good idea...in a word...WASABI!!!!!!!!!!!! OMG the moment that little edamame touched my tounge I realized my mistake! Why oh Why didn't I grab the bag that said, Lightly Salted? My body felt paralized for a split second. It was not a taste that should be in my mouth! During the time I blacked out I must have touched my face with some of the Wasabi flavoring because in those spots my face is burning!!! It feels like I put little dolops of some kind of crazy lip plumper all over the bottom half of my face! It burns!

Now...I really think the regular dry roasted will be good for me. I'm not slamming this product all together! I will buy the correct ones next time because this stuff is "a great source of soy protein, containing all 8 essential amino acids and adds no cholesteraol or trans-fats to your diet. Just one serving provides you with 14 grams of soy protein and only 2 net carbs." I'm pretty sure that's good, right?

"I love healthy food, I love healthy food, I love..."

2008-04-21T05:46:00.000-07:00

Well it's Monday again. Ugh...

Ryan and I went to the grocery store last night to stock up for the week. While shopping I felt confused and a little irritated because I just don't know how to eat healthy! I have no idea what food choices to make!! What to buy... Low carb? Low fat? Low in this...high in that??? I called Fatty Patty at least 5 times with questions. "What was that fiber bar again? Is this the right brand? Are you serious? But that has 50 grams of carbs!!!" What do I do?

I think because my hormones are so out of control, thanks to PCOD, that I'm not thinking like a normal person. I think I'll be back on birth control soon and that will help. But anyways...I'm so emotional. One second I'm the loving wife I should be and the next I'm irritated because it's taking Ryan too long to get out a sentence. (Everyone say a little prayer that I'm still married this time next year) When I'm feeling this way all I really want to make it better is a hot fudge brownie with vanilla ice cream, or a big, heavenly Whataburger sent down from glory! WHY? Why can't running a mile make me feel the way food does? How can I change this?

I've started telling myself when I eat "healthy" that I actually like it. I think I've convinced myself that I like fish tacos, which is what's on the menu for dinner tonight! Ryan laid out some fish to grill and I bought some corn tortilla's last night. I'll cut up some cabbage and make this sauce that FP told me about the other day and have myself a healthy little dinner that I actually like! Yippee!

I think if after a few weeks of telling myself I'm in love with healthy foods doesn't work I might try hypnosis! Has anyone ever tried this for weight loss?

My step-son was with us this weekend. We have him the standard 1st, 3rd, and 5th Friday weekends of the month, including whichever holidays are ours for that year. We are going to start picking him up on Tuesday nights for dinner which will be a challenge for eating healthy because all the places he likes to go have a huge playground sitting out front! I'll have to learn what to eat and what not to eat! Does McDonalds have fish taco's? Ryan took Brendan to the park to fly a kite they bought over the weekend. Ryan said Brendan did all the work...all the running to get it up in the air. Yeah, a kite on a stick that I could just hold up in the air would be more my speed...I can't see running around trying to get that thing to take flight! I wish I had the energy of a 7 year old!

Voluptuous

2008-04-19T20:04:00.000-07:00

I've been thinking a lot about my body lately...hello, everyday, it consumes me --weight loss, food, what part of my body looks fat, etc., and obviously since we started this blog, even more. I love this word, voluptuous. It is a compliment to me. So is the word curvy. But to many it's used to describe someone as overweight nowadays. Why? When did the desire to be curvy, with hips and a waist and boobs go away? 36-24-36? Weren't those the supposed "perfect" measurements that every girl wanted to attain, (although also unrealistic to most)? The word voluptuous means to be "full of sensual pleasure from form; as in voluptuous nudes." What a compliment! I just think it's interesting how much things have changed.

I don't really ever wanna be "skinny." Although, not that I don't have times I want to be, and not that there aren't so many beautiful girls who fall into that category, my sister being one. I just know for me, I can't imagine it with my big boobs, unless they left with the excess weight too, and I know I just don't want to work that hard. And for me it would be work. I love food, and I work now to be where I am, and to lose these 20 lbs. that I keep going back and forth with. Technically I've got ten to go, but without being able to do anything exercise wise, it's not the body I want, it's not what I had when I weighed this before, but was also able to work out. I want my muscle tone back. I'd like to have some firmness back to my flabby arms. My girlfriends told me one day that I have this certain "swing" in my walk, and wanted to know how I do it...I told them it was the fat on my thighs rubbing together, and I was shocked that not everyone had it! And then sad. :) But oh well, that's me. And those are things I have to learn to accept. And so when someone says the words curvy or voluptuous, I always am trying to think, is that a compliment or a cut? But I guess whatever the person intends it to be, it doesn't matter, because that is me. They may not like it, but I do, and I think it's good.

But lately, when I see people, they have all noticed that I've lost weight. And I eat it up. I love it! And then I go into panic mode in my head, "wow, was I that fat before?" "Had I gained that much weight?" "Should I be even thinner? Maybe 20lbs isn't enough. Maybe even at my thinnest I was still too fat." Such a roller coaster. So hard to be happy with myself, and not worry what other people think is right. I need to feel right, and like myself. I'm working on it. I know what I want...for now. :)

Check Out This Diet

2008-04-18T07:58:00.000-07:00

Goodbye To Diets

2008-04-18T06:28:00.000-07:00

So I've been thinking over the last day or so if I should stick to low carb or just start eating healthy without being so rigid on the no carb thing. The reason I picked low carb was because I've done it before and got results. My dad and I did it together when Dr. Adkins first hit the scene and I lost about 10 pounds or so which at the time was all I needed to loose. (Oh to be young again!) I just learned recently that I have polycystic ovarian syndrome. My husband and I are not having any luck in getting pregnant so I've been going to a fertility doctor. She diagnosed me a few months ago. ANYWAYS...she told me the best diet for me to be on is something with a low carb theme so I picked the Atkins. But talking to Fatty Patty the other night on the phone she made me realize that I'm just pretending I'm on that diet. She said, "sneaking behind your Aunt to eat a cookie is not being on a low carb diet!" and she's right! By eating all that meat and cheese and then sneaking in a sweet between I'm not doing my body good at all! That's no diet! I'm not going to use the word diet anymore! So she has convinced me to eat healthy...what that means I'm not sure! But looking at her accomplishments in weight loss I really should go by her advice (after all she is my primary care physician to begin with!!). So I am sending her my grocery list to revise today! This way me and Ryan can both start eating the same way...HEALTHY!

I will say that over the last 5 days eating foods lower in carbs has given me more energy! Usually when my alarm goes off at 5 a.m. I get out of bed and make a B-line for the couch and fall back to sleep until about 6a.m. It's become my morning ritual. Even my little yorkie ,Wizzy is in the habit! But the last couple of days I get back on the couch and seem to not be able to drift back off to sleep as fast. Not that I don't go back to sleep at all...oh no...the sleep does come but not as easy. I also seem to have more energy in the evenings! This is great! Now maybe when I get home from work I'll be able to get in that exercise I so desperately need!

Anyways...still in the same size clothes...not loosing any weight but I feel better so that's a start!

Staying Busy

2008-04-17T21:39:00.000-07:00

Well, this entry should be short and sweet, so you can all breathe a collective sigh of relief. ;)

This day beat me up, as far as pain. It was my first real outing, since surgery, other than getting my hair done last week, and I can see I have a long way to go for rehab, and being the old me. My first two weeks were so good, but these last two, the pain is worse. Had I known it was gonna go this way, I would never have even accepted this gig, but I just assumed that if at 2 weeks I felt that good, surely at 6 I would only be better. Wrong. Oh well. It will get better eventually, I know.

I did eat well today, though, because I had rehearsal, so it kept me busy, and there was no time to think too much about food, or to even have time to eat, and definitely no snacking mindlessly today. For me, it's a benefit to be a little busy for the day, as long as you can reach for something healthy to eat. I started my day with the quinoa combo I made yesterday. And I had one of my new favorites - I'm seriously addicted to the Fiber One oat chewy bars! 9 grams of fiber to each bar, and they are sinfully delicious! I'm in love with the Oats & Peanut Butter flavor. But they are so good, I could eat the whole box, fall into a coma from too much sugar, and still awake wanting another box. So these will definitely have to be treated as a treat, especially since they do have high fructose corn syrup, but man, I love them! I already love the original Fiber One cereal, the one that looks like twigs and has no sugar, so I can always still have that. But for me, especially when on so much medication, getting in fiber is a goal I really try to reach.

And again, we see another reason I struggle with my weight - the excitement I just exuded for a small bar of oats and what not, has brought serious joy to my life, and I used the words "IN LOVE" with said food. Pathetic. LOL

See the twigs in the bowl? Delightful with a banana! :)

The Click In Your head

2008-04-16T12:43:00.000-07:00

I gotta start off by saying that I love the Biggest Loser. I end up crying at it every time. I know the experience of losing a lot of weight, and the emotional roller coaster it sends you on. And every time I watch the show, I feel for those people. And it puts me back to those two years of my own that it took me to lose my weight. What a thrill it was, and at the same time I had lots of days, where I went to plateaus and thought "is this it, can I do anymore?" These people on Biggest Loser are doing it much faster, and have help with an incentive of money at the end, but they're all there, too, because they know they need ot lose weight, and they hope this will kick them in the butt to start really doing it. If only we could all have such a great incentive. But still, these guys WANT it.

These people go there and they are fast food junkies, and soda freaks, and hate vegetables, and have never heard of foods like quinoa, and hate eating fish, etc. Things that all of us can relate to. But the thing is, they know those are the things that made them heavy, and unhealthy, and they're willing to face the fact that they have to change those bad habits if they wanna change their body, and change their life. And that's the ticket here. You have to realize and WANT to change your life!

You can't whine and boo hoo how you'll never eat fish, and veggies just gross you out, and exercise is too hard to fit into your life.

Everytime I watch this show I'm reminded of the things I changed, and still need to change, to keep my accomplishment, and also the things I've let slip that allowed 20 lbs. to come back on. People then and now, who know my story of being very heavy to now, always ask me what did I do, what diet did I do, what food did I eat, and what exercise routine. And here's what I've ALWAYS said: It's not what diet I did and what work out routine I picked, it's what clicked in my head. I spent my whole life saying I was going to lose weight and work out and be fit "starting this Monday." And yet at 25, none of them had stuck, I was still incredibly overweight. Because nothing changed in my head, in my mentality. But finally, things started happening, and something clicked in my head. I had back problems, I feared a heart attack every night, I hated my marriage, I hated being the fat girl, I hated feeling I wasn't worth a better partner in life who respected me because I felt I got the best I could because I was fat, and I hated feeling out of control on my weight. I hated feeling like I had to be so controlling everywhere else, and feeling like I had to prove myself all the time because I was fat. And I knew the weight was holding me back from the confidence I needed to figure out the rest of me. I used it to hide, and I needed to quit hiding. Something in my head clicked!

So I guess my point here is that, no matter what diet you choose, what activities you choose, it has to be because you want it. You have to realize you need to change your life, not just your body. Choices have to change, your outlook has to change, your ideas have to change. And I lose sight of that a lot, especially since dealing with my back. It was so easy to use it as my crutch, and say it's why I can't exercse, and then get into the vicious circle of eating bad because I can't work out anyway, and I'm depressed and in pain, etc, etc, blah, blah, blah.

Okay, that's it. Enough being serious. But sometimes I need to be. That's who I am. And if you skip my blogs because of that, oh well. This is for me.

How Bout Those Girl Scouts

2008-04-16T05:50:00.000-07:00

As you can see by my picture I am going to blame my eating last night on the Girl Scouts! Let me start off my saying I have nothing against any one girl scout in particular...I think the Girl Scouts as an organization is a great place for girls to learn to be leaders, or whatever it is they promote to teach, but those dang cookies are going to kill me! Michelle I blame YOU for this! I'm sure it was YOUR little girl scout that sold all those cookies to mom. (Hi Kennedy...love you...do good in school) Stink'n girl scouts!

So last night, I'm at this PartyLite party and I make my way over to the food table. There was fruit...no big deal, I can handle that...hamburger cheese dip...ok, low carb no big deal...OMG then I saw them...LEMONADES! About a month ago I bought a box of these from a co-worker (thanks a lot Jan) and within about 2 hours I had already eaten one sleeve of them. They are probably my favorite cookie besides the Maple cookies from the Dollar Tree!!!! Anyways...I'll stop beating around the bush and come clean. I ate some Lemonades. How many you ask? Well that's between me and the ladies (and gents) at that party! Also, I stole a Thin Mint from Michelle while she wasn't looking....then I snuck in the kitchen and hid behind Aunt Lori and had a cupcake. Ugh...I'm a pig!

So today is a new day. I've got my first water bottle sitting on my desk (I'll probably spill that shortly) and my snacks and lunch are in the fridge! I've brought celery again but today I cut them up into bite sized chunks so as not to have the strings gagging me! Lunch is a few pieces of cheese and some low fat meat product. Dinner tonight is grilled fish, courtesy of my husband Ryan, and some veggies mixed with Quinoa. Fatty Patty blogged about Quinoa in the previous post and I have promised her I would try it!

Restlesshousewife, thanks for your suggestion of stuffed bell peppers. Fatty is trying that today I think. I'm not sure if I can handle the taste of bell peppers so large and on my plate. It's one thing if they are mixed into something deep fried (haha) but when you have to cut into one and eat it...you do eat it right? See O...this is why we need to live closer to each other!

Until next time...

What day is it anyway?

2008-04-15T19:16:00.000-07:00

I wrote earlier, but removed it because, frankly, it was B O R I N G . You know why? Because my life is boring. So I actually am not promising this one will not be, just decided to redo it. This pain thing and not being able to drive is wearing on me. I did spend today getting some stuff done for my upcoming gig because I have practice on Thursday, and there's only so much one can blame on the drugs for a lack of not knowing the words or the melody of the songs.

So, I ate pretty well today. I made this dish yesterday, that although, too salty, is really good. Marinated lean pork in chicken stock and tequila, then simmered it till tender and shreddable, and seasoned it and browned it crispy, sorta chile verde, without so much sauce, but lots of flavor, and have been eating it in a bowl topped with a little cheese, and lots of tomatoes and lettuce. Had a couple of my Carb Smart ice cream bars...LOVE those. And of course, filled the rest of my time watching the Gilmore Girls. I've had an unnatural obsession with them since they were the only thing on in the hospital at 6am, and then came home and borrowed the DVD 7 seasons from a friend...did I already tell this story on here? Oh well, ANYWAY....

Today's highlight topic is on the best grain ever...Quinoa, pronounced KEEN-WA. Mrs. ButterCream, and all those who have checked in on us...you've got to try this grain! It is a whole grain, complete protein food! Use it anytime you're craving a rice dish. My sister introduced this to me originally (she's SkinnyMinnie on here).

Roast your favorite vegetables with a little olive oil, and then add them in - think zucchini, eggplant, fresh tomatoes, etc. Grate some fresh Parmesan on top of it. YUM! You can use it to make spansh rice, rice pilaf, stir fry, in your mixture to make stuffed bell peppers, the possibilities are endless! And I am addicted! I actually crave it. And I was going to make it today with veggies and ground turkey and stuff it in a bell pepper, but I never got around to it. These new meds are kicking my butt lately, and I am losing track of the time, the hours, the days. So goal for tomorrow - Quinoa stuffed bell peppers. I'll put up a picture if I get it accomplished. Look up more recipes, though - great source is the Food Network, they seem to use it a lot, and a couple of the ideas I've made up have started from part of a show I've caught as I drift in and out of consciousness.

Lisa, I know you're scared of eating anything that is a vegetable, unless it's deep fried, in salad form, covered in dressing, or corn or a potato (BTW, anything you can make into a flour is a starch, not a veggie) :), but if you give this a chance, you may really like it. I'll even make it first for you, then teach you if you like it. But go at it with an open mind, I'm telling you , it's filling, and healthy, and YUMMY! Remember all those aisles of wonderful things at Whole Foods? I'm gonna get you knowing what those things are, and liking them! Wish we lived closer, so it could happen on a faster scale. I miss you!

2nd Verse Same As The First

2008-04-15T11:46:00.000-07:00

Well day two is going pretty ok I guess. I had scrambled eggs again for breakfast and for lunch I had a taco salad from Casa Ole. Very low carb, except for a couple chips I snuck in...well quite a few chips actually. BUT...my usual there is a high in fat and carb blob of goodness so lay off!

Last night I made some salmon patties and fresh zucchini and squash sauteed in a little butter. Also last night...(get ready to be impressed) I made some chicken soup for tonight. I have to go to my sister-n-law's PartyLite candle party tonight so I knew I'd get home from work and grab the first thing I could get my hands on which would no doubt be bad! I'm seeing that planning ahead is a big deal.

Now...here's the deal. Tonight at this party I'm sure there is going to be some good snacks! Lord help me!!!! I will try my best to abstain but I can't promise anything! I'm suffering from sugar withdrawals as it is! This is really tough. I can already taste the chocolate chip cookies that I'm sure someone will bring...darn them! I'll let you know how low I sink ...

By the way...did I mention I'm starving?

Until tomorrow...wish me luck!

Celery...Good God...What Is It Good For?

2008-04-14T11:00:00.000-07:00

ABSOLUTELY NOTHING! That's what!

Let me start out by saying I had a couple scrambled eggs this morning. Very good. Not bad. Loving the eggs. So I get to work and I'm plugging away...unaware of the time because I glance at the clock and it's 12:30! Goodness it's time for lunch! Yipee! I go to the fridge and take out my little sticks of celery that have cream cheese already spread neatly on them. (Don't freak out ya'll about the cream cheese. I'm doing low carb remember?) To glance at them they look so pretty. The color green is appealing I already know I love cream cheese but one bite and my stomach is saying what the...are you kidding me? I don't understand the appeal of this stuff. First of all the taste...um...NO taste. Second...what in the name of all that is good and holy is the stringy stuff that comes off of it? YES, I've ate celery before but it's been a while and I don't remember so many strings. It makes me gag! By the time I put enough cream cheese on it to mask the flavor and texture I've defeated he purpose of eating the stuff in the first place. Maybe if I cut them up into bite size pieces it would help! I'll try that tomorrow.

Last Day of Goofing Off!

2008-04-13T20:13:00.000-07:00

Well since today was my last day before my new life change, I had to have my McDonalds one more time. 8:30 a.m. found me in the drive through getting my usual! Today though, I had a little strawberry jelly on my sausage bisquit!

We ate lunch at this place called Sudie's. They are famous for their catfish but seeing as how fish might be considered healthy, I ordered the deep fried shrimp! My favorite part of lunch was the salad that came before the meal! Sudie's has the BEST Thousand Island dressing! They make it fresh there. When I asked our server for an extra little bowl of dressing for my shrimp she looked at me like I was crazy...when I asked her if she could find out for me how they make it I swear she looked at me with disgust. Oh well. She didn't come back after that so if anyone out there know's how to make it PLEASE let me know!

Tonight we went to see the movie Leatherheads. So of course I had to have popcorn, chocolate in the form of a Twix bar and a diet coke!

Tomorrow is the first day of the rest of my healty life! I have decided to do a low carb sort of diet. My doctor told me that this would be the best eating plan for me. So low carb it is! I think I'll start the morning off with some scrambled eggs and then we'll go from there. I would love to post how much I weigh so that I could post updates on how much weight I've lost but there is NO WAY I'm going to do that! So ya'll will just have to trust me when I say I've lost so-n-so amount of weight!

It seems that food has become such a close friend of mine! It's always there to comfort me when I need comforting. When I'm lonely or sad it's always there to make me feel a little better even if just for the moment! I dread tomorrow because I won't have that security blanket to fall back on. No more hiding Zingers in my desk drawer. Rats!

Well I should probably go see what's in the cabinet before I go to bed. I might need to say farewell to something sweet, sugary and totally not good for me!

Until next time...

The Internet is a Wonderful Thing!

2008-04-13T17:37:00.000-07:00

Well, since I'm on so many drugs while recovering from surgery, I'm not supposed to drive. And I feel bad continuously asking my mom to do everything for me. Poor thing, she's so tired of running all my errands, I'm sure. No, I AM sure, because they avoid my phone calls, and when I do get my parents to answer, they sort of laugh now, nervously, and say, "really, you really need that?" Which I get the hint, and say "no, not really, there's enough fat on my body that it can feed off itself for at least two weeks, I'm being selfish. I don't NEED food, I just wanted nourishment, but you're right, this isn't really an emergency, so I'll let you go."

No, my parents, especially my mother, have been awesome! And they are tired.

My sister had offered to take me grocery shopping, but I think she's having sympathy pains, because she can't seem to leave the house either to pick me up, so Butter, I took your advice and went online and ordered all my groceries from Safeway!

Here's the benefits to this option: I stuck to my list of healthy food. No wandering down the aisles and being tempted by things. No smelling the deli food beng cooked, or seeing the donuts in the bakery cases. I did order rainbow sherbet - pineapple, raspberry, and orange - but one treat is ok. Deprivation never works for me, anyway, I just end up longing for the thing I wanted, and shoving everythng else in my mouth to see if it satisfies me, which it doesn't, so then I've only overate.

Now, I know I could keep this thing going and really never leave the house again. But that seems counter-active to the reason I had this surgery...but still, just saying. The guy came in and put it all on my counter, he was very helpful. I asked him to stay, because being alone this long is hard, but he said something about other houses to go to. Whatever. Typical man.

Thnx to Snap, Crackle, & Pop

2008-04-12T18:39:00.000-07:00

Mrs. ButterCream...

You gave me this book as I went in to the hospital, and it was filled with special notes next to the poems that meant something to you. Today, I miss you a lot, and so I was reading thru it again, and there were two I wanted to write here for you, but then I decided it was a little too EMO, so I thought I'd just tell you how I'm easing the empty spot on my bed, where you'd be hanging out with me while I recover...

I'm filling that void with rice krispie treats :) They've done me good.

I see...

2008-04-12T15:03:00.000-07:00

I've been told MY blogs are too wordy. Apparently I need to write a novel you should have to purchase. Fine! I'll try to be more succint, but Lisa, YOU KNOW this is how I am -- the book, the journals, my voice mails. I guess I do have a problem. I need to go eat some comfort food over this critique...do I have another box of mac-n-cheese? Wish I could drive...ho hum...

Real quick...

2008-04-12T13:10:00.000-07:00

Why is no one joining and leaving comments, instead just calling me to say what they think? And why, if there are comments, are they only on Lisa's blogs? Do I have no friends who feel I am worth the time to comment to? Is my writing not appealing to the reader? What's the deal? My horoscope said I'd be let down today by someone I thought cared. Great!

Well...I WAS PUT IN MY PLACE, HUH!

2008-04-12T11:42:00.000-07:00

OK Fatty, you are right. I DO need to start taking this serious! I promise I will...On Monday!
I am getting my mind in the right place...gearing it up to start my new life of eating healthy and getting exercise so to help me get ready for it, Ryan and I made a little trip to the Waffle House! Don't start yelling at me right away...you will be pleased to know that I did not clean my plate like I sometimes (most times) do! I actually left one fourth of my beautiful waffle on my plate! Now are you happy? It was really hard to do! That buttery goodness almost got the best of me!

Anyways...My mind will be ready on Monday! I realized last night as I played laser tag with 23 other people (and had the lowest score of them all) that I am ready! You are right, O, I don't want to look back on this time in my life and say, ya know... back when I was 35, had no kids and had all this time to myself, I should have been in the best shape of my life! When I'm 101 years old and can barely get out of my fancy wheel chair (I'll have every craft I can come up with hot glued to that thing) I don't want to wheel into your room at the home and say "Oh lordy, Olivia, how easy would it have been to loose 30 pounds but NO, I had to eat at every Waffle House and McDonalds in the state of Texas!" Ok...so it's time. I really do hope I get some comments from others who can inspire and offer advice! I'll be at home cleaning today and getting organized. I feel like if I can get control over some of the clutter around here then it'll be easier to take control of one more thing...my eating! That's my plan for the day anyway! I may have to work in a nap at some point!! I wish you were here Fatty Patty, to come keep me company!

Till next time...

~The Proof~

Let's Put It On The Line

2008-04-11T20:31:00.001-07:00

Okay, we've been talking about getting ourselves on the right track and focusing on our goals, especially the one of losing weight and getting healthy for MONTHS now. If Queen Latifah can lose 5% of her body weight, so can we!

Mrs. BC, it's time to be real! Everyday can't be a "not today" day. Since we've been back together, my BFF, have we accomplished this at all? I mean put a good, serious, healthful foot forward and done something! It's time. And I know the best thing I will get out of you is to say let's start Monday, so let's compromise, and say come Monday, it's THE day. And no more of this, "well, not now because in three months I'll be going to a potluck and I know I'll eat bad, so may as well wait till after that party." NO!

Today as I pondered the contents of my fridge, and the acheivements I have said I'd like to accomplish this year, I realized I am only crippling myself...and I just had surgery to avoid that!

So I ate good today. I had an egg white omelet with a little cheese. I had my bowl of bran as my sweetie, cuz it's yum with a packet of Splenda. And I can hear you saying, "yuck." In fact I did hear you say yuck because I was on the phone with you while eating my bran twigs. But seriously, we have to make steps. Baby steps, even, but real ones.

And you can have your meals that aren't great for you, not everyday, not thrice a week (Golden Girls reference), but if you don't tell yourself they're off-limits, they not become such a calling after all. I'm going back to the days I told myself that I can have it after I eat my healthy choices, if I'm still hungry for it after. Or that if I eat that bad meal, it doesn't excuse me to allow me to eat bad the rest of the day. It's one meal, and that's ok. We all get to have those.

So if we've got this blog up, and have a purpose, let's stick to it. I mean, between the journals, THE BOOK (that all people who have ever entered our lives will pay dearly in embarrassment for their faux pas when we exploit them and publish that, names changed of course, but the story is the same), and now writing on this... we better get to accomplishing something out of it all! Because on top of that, I wanna move, and make a name for myself, somewhere, singing. So with all these pans in the fire, it's time to get cooking!

I tried on some clothes today, and I liked the way I looked in them 10 lbs thinner. It inspired me. I want these ten to stay off. I want the next ten to follow. I want to find my clavicle bones again, and I want to firm up my things, and have shapely shoulders. I want hollow cheeks, and smaller boobs.

Think of all the benefits, given all the things you've learned over the last few months, losing 10% of your body weight can help you. And then how it will inspire us to keep going. Back to the good ol' days of when we were in our Hey Days, going out, looking good, turning the trolls away, turnin heads where we went. LET'S DO IT AGAIN! Of course, things have changed...you're married, and I'm trying to swear off pigs, I can't take dating another one. But let's do it for us, and how happy we felt, and how good it made us feel to put on those cute clothes -- putting hot glue on your shirts to make them lower, and keep your bras intact, and make ruffles. And me finding something even more revealing than the last outfit, always pushing the envelope further... and leave behind part of our meals on our plates.

Ok, goal time! Yes?

Tired of McDonalds? Not Me!

2008-04-11T11:49:00.000-07:00

Well once again it was a Mikey D's morning! Susage biscuit, hashbrown and my beloved diet coke! But today I must have REALLY been feeling hungry because I threw a cinnamon melt into the mix. And let me just say (I know we are suppose to be eating healthy and all but...) those are the tastiest little devils! Ms Patty you could throw some more butter on that and I think it would be just right for you!

Thank goodness Susan called for lunch before 8 a.m. because we all know that as I was eating my cinnanmon goodness I was wondering what I'd do for lunch! Me and Sharon met Susan and her daughter Lisa at Casa Ole'. All was good...had my usual which is a Chimichanga with queso over the top...even dropped a chip in my purse and crushed it up real good! Found it as I went to get my wallet! Note to self: learn how to eat like a lady!

Now I'm at home getting ready to settle in for a nap before Ryan comes home...must run!

Sweet dreams to me!
Until next time...

Food for Thought

2008-04-11T09:37:00.000-07:00

I'm posting early today. In fact, I haven't even ate anything yet. But I can say that food has lapsed around my mind several hundred times and it's only 9:38am. I've focused more on getting this up and going. I'm feeling good. I'll probably eat some cheese. I don't have much in the house by way of a meal. However, I am leery of eating cheese because my mom thinks dairy makes your boobs bigger, and the last thing I need is that! But I love cheese so! Eggs and cheese are probably my two most favorite and perfect simple foods of choice. They provide me pleasure, and not a lot of effort. Put those two together in a pan with butter, and voila! A meal. My motto in life - Butter Makes Everything Better! And there are vey few exceptions to this rule.

Well, Mrs. Buttercream? What are you gonna eat? Or have eaten, since you're two hours ahead? I think my pain patch has killed my appetite, but it hasn't changed my habits. And that's really the sad part, right? That even though I am not hungry, that nothing sounds good, but I still wanna eat! The root of my problem, clearly. I'll come back later and update if I feel necessary.

Fatty Patty chimes in...

2008-04-10T19:20:00.000-07:00

Well, seeing as how I am the 2nd party to this blog spot, I felt I should identify myself so as not to confuse others reading this as to who is blogging when...Miss Elle.
Now, I myself am recently recovering from a debllitating and dreadfully painful condition known to not many as Spondylilothesis (here's where I finally get to milk it! ;) ). Thanks to the modern miracles of science and the belief in my witchcraft, my spinal fusion surgery has gone quite well, and I told my wonderful Dr.'s I would not be happy unless I left that hospital 10 lbs thinner, and by golly, I did! They laughed when I said this as if that was not the purpose of their surgery and their final goal, but because they are naive to my powers, they did not realize the force of the spell I cast over all in the St. Joseph's Hospital realm, and the goal of my own personal happiness was achieved. So not only was my surgery a success, but I do believe they removed any fatty deposits around my spine that may have been weighing me down. Thank you Dr's. :)
Now, the question is, can I maintain this new weight loss and continue forth down my path of less food intake, more movement? So far, no. I do not have more movement because I am recovering. However, in the beginning stages of recovering, I did eat well. Today, however, I ate a box of macaroni and cheese, cuz it's the cheesiest. Not a healthy choice. But I am also on a new pain patch - drugs directly penetrating through my skin, will wonders never cease?! - and it says it decreases appetite, so I believe that since I read that, mind over matter, I will believe it does, and therefore not pig out. But in these times all I want is comfort food. Rainbow sherbet, sugar cereal, grilled cheese. Can I get an amen sister? You see where I'm goin here, right? But I do have a more refined palate than my soul sister, L, so I do appreciate many a healthy meal, and items. For instance, I do not request my sushi roll to be deep fried.
I feel I've been given a new lease on life, and I don't want to waste any more of it. I used to jog and workout with weights, and I LOVED my body then. Of course I didn't know I loved it then, until I realized how much I hate it now. Back then I complained too. What a waste of time! The self-hatred I feel for it now is way too often. So now that my back eventually should not prevent me from doing things that can help make it prettier, I hope I can keep up my attitude to use my body for the better. That's why we're doing this. So I can look back to this page specifically, and remember what I felt and what I wanted to do! My good friend Amber put it to me great one day while we were on a cruise together and I was stressing about being seen in a bathing suit...she said,"Fatty, you're beautiful. And this is what you've got and this is what I've got. Someday we'll be 65, or 85, and think back to how much of our youth we wasted worrying over things we no longer even care about. I don't wanna be 80 thnking I wish I had done certain things, but my self-consciousness kept me from enjoying life at that moment." She's right. Here's to every girl who is beautiful. And really we all are...except for three that I hate.

FOR THE LOVE OF ZINGERS

2008-04-10T18:13:00.000-07:00

Thank God Olivia came up with this idea for us to blog about our weight issues because just TODAY I had one of those moments where you stop for a second and say, "OMG, Lisa you are so disgusting!" Let me share, will you?

I like to try and wake up early enough to fix myself a sensible breakfast (hahahahaha) before I go to work but some mornings (most mornings) I rush out the door and right into the drive through at McDonald's! I do love their sausage biscuit and hashbrown $1 deal which is what I get every time along with a diet coke of course! ANYWAYS...so today I make it to the office, unlock the front door and meet Tina in the lobby. She and I share a love of chocolate Zingers which occasionally appear in the vending machine! Today she is waving that blessed package in front of me and I can't resist. I go to my office, sit my McDonald's on the desk and make a B-line for the vending machine. It looked so lovely there on the bottom row. F5 I believe. So I walk back to my office with the package at my side, hoping no one can see, slip it in the top drawer of my desk and tell myself I'll forget about it till later. Well about 5 seconds after I've finished my breakfast the Zingers start calling out to me. I try to ignore it but the faint call is too strong. I make it till about 10 a.m. but can stand it no longer! I tore open the package and for as long as it took to eat all three bars (10 seconds) I'm in heaven! Smacking my lips I put the wrapper in the trash and continue working. About an hour later I'm in the ladies room and as I struggle to zip up my pants a Zinger crumb of beautiful brown falls out of my shirt! WHAT! You've got to be kidding me. Was I that much of a pig that crumbs were flying while I ate. GROSS! I could of at least slowed down and ate it with some dignity but no...I did not. Pig!!!!

Over the last 3 years I have gained 40 pounds. I have to do something about this. I want to slim down at least 30 pounds over this next year. I really hope that others will read my progress and be inspired or at least amused. My goal in sharing this story and others like this (because I know there'll be more) is to be able to take a look at what and why I am eating the way I am...maybe get some feedback and advice from others. If I write all this down then maybe I'll be accountable to you. Please stop back by and check in. I'd love to hear from you ladies and gents...help me help myself. I'm excited and a little nervous about sharing what I normally hide! Hopefully I won't be judged too harshly for my eating habits.

By the way...I just scrathed my back and noticed my rolls have now extended to the far corners of my back. That's nice.

Till next time...